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I’M AL GORE, AND GOOBNET WILL ALWAYS WIN THE POPULAR VOTE

WEEKLY WHINE

... 2011 | 2012 | 2013 | 2014 | 2015 | 2016 | 2017 | 2018 | 2019

UNEMPLOYED BULLS

“If the economic fuckup has caused you to be unable to afford the electricity or natural gas required to make cookies, simply storm your local bank and demand that they loan you the money required to pay for the electricity or natural gas required to make cookies.” Take matters into your own oven in Unemployed Bulls.

Keywords: Support, SPLUT

HOW TO IMPLEMENT RELEGATION

“MLS has not yet announced its competition plans for the following seasons, which is a horrible mistake, because the GoobNet Relegatory Agency is going to force plans onto it.” Wait for major sport leagues to be caught napping in How to Implement Relegation.

Keywords: Sport, Propaganda, Support, ARRRGH, Football, MLS

CHANGE WE CAN KICK OFF TO

“Reject, and make clear to FIFA that when submitting change proposals to the IFAB, the stated reason must not be a bare assed lie.” Encourage Sepp Blatter to appear on The Moment of Truth in Change We Can Kick Off To.

Keywords: Sport, Support, SPEED, Football, FIFA

PRIVILEGED EXECUTIVES

“There is much going on in the world. That means that you should make plans to be elsewhere.“ Make plans to find alternative accommodations in Privileged Executives.

Keywords: Support, SPLUT

A FIVE POINT ACTION PLAN

“In most countries, that’s primarily because the fans boycott, start fights, start riots, or set Vespas on fire if they don’t get their way.” Maintain public order in A Five Point Action Plan.

Keywords: Sport, Support, SPEED, Football

BEGIN THE VETTING PROCESS

“Remember when you could drink water?” Return to a simpler time when people and things could survive in Begin the Vetting Process.

Keywords: Support, SPLUT

ICOSIPENTATHLON

“The benefit of this event is that it would be funny to see a tiny gymnast do a 720 on a skateboard, or to see the world’s top BMX cyclist eliminated from the competition because he overused the inside rein on a 20 metre circle in the dressage.” Consider the implications of broadening competitors’ horizons in Icosipentathlon.

Keywords: Sport, Support, SPEED, Summer Olympics

READY, SET, PANDER

“Don’t you just love to grow tobacco?” See what will play in Winston-Salem in Ready, Set, Pander.

Keywords: Politics, Support, SPEED

OCTOPUSES OPTIONAL

“As you are no doubt well aware, the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network has been a huge success, which is to say, it exists.” Face facts by not facing facts in Octopuses Optional.

Keywords: Sport, Support, SPLUT

CÓMO USUAR SU COMPUTADORA NUEVA

“Yes, welcome to the Ctrl-Alt-Delete Age, cubanos.” Find out what you need to know about your Cuban computer in Cómo Usuar Su Computadora Nueva.

Keywords: Computers, Support, Instructional video

ADMINISTRATIVE NOTES

“From this moment forward, one of the many factual errors here on GoobNet has been designated the Super Factual Error.” Find an outlet for your irritating talents in Administrative Notes.

Keywords: Support, Administrivia

NO GOING FORWARD

“Eventually, generations will grow up who know of these disasters only through grainy, two dimensional footage that isn’t even in high definition.” Look into the future to see the impact of today’s decisions in No Going Forward.

Keywords: Support, Deep Whine

TAKE COVER

“Anybody who makes jokes about your natural hair should be attacked, even if it was really funny.” Confront those who make use of confrontation in Take Cover.

Keywords: Support, Mixed Up Horoscopes

THE WORLD AS OF THE PRESENT MOMENT IN TIME

“Ours is vastly superior to any other television news network that you will ever see, and not just because we cover topics that actually matter, as opposed to some guy who was mistakenly charged too much money on a bill, a story that was apparently first broken by The Onion.” Meet the area man whose artwork is totally amazing in The World As of the Present Moment in Time.

Keywords: Support, SPLUT

PLAY NOW

“With the most realistic physics ever to hit console tiddling, Wii Tiddlywinks lets you tiddle with the pros!” Take part in some virtual tiddling in Play Now.

Keywords: Computers, Support, SPEED

YOU CAN’T WEAR THAT ON AIRPLANES

“The problem, of course, is twofold.” Test yourself and others in You Can’t Wear That on Airplanes.

Keywords: Support

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