WEEKLY WHINE

Just make the call already

We are rapidly appraching the successful completion of another year. Plenty of good things happened [like regime change in Tunisia, Egypt, and Libya], and plenty of bad things happened [like people blowing one another up, people talking shit about one another, and people headbutting one another].

If you would like 2012 to be a better year, please send it your suggestions for how to improve upon this year. Here’s how to send 2012 a letter.

1. Write the letter.
2. Seal it in an envelope.
3. Wait six days.
4. Open the letter.

Note: If 2011 is still in progress at the time you read this, and if something else has happened that deserves to be noted here, just write it in. Get a marker and write it on your monitor.

GOOBNET 2011 REVIEW COMMITTEE COMMITTEE MEMBERS

• Reginald J Goober, founder and CEO, GoobNet Enterprises Inc [which doesn’t actually exist however]
• Deb Harratsch, GoobNet managing editor
• Amber Lynn, junior contributor
• Gaby Gandalucci, GoobNet Special Projects Enhancement and Enforcement Division [SPEED]

Capt Chesley A ‘Sully’ Sullenberger Award for the Most Awesome Achievement

SEAL Team Six, United States

Reg says: We can’t really add anything about the US Naval Special Warfare Development Group’s involvement in Operation Neptune Spear. The awesomeness of this achievement has already been discussed to no end, so just ask the Internet.

Best Event

Parliamentary election, Egypt

Gaby says: Egyptians are going to the polls to elect a new People’s Assembly. The first two phases have completed, leaving one more phase to take place in the week after the new year. The public continues to protest issues such as the emergency law, the method for appointing the prime minister, and other topics, but the nation seems to be making progress. Honourable mention goes to US Rep Gabrielle Giffords’s return to the House floor on MON 01 AUG 2011.

Worst Event

Tōhoku earthquake and tsunami, Japan

Reg says: This sequence of events has also been discussed often, and there should be little disagreement about this being the worst event of the year. But there has been a lot of research into how and why buildings did or did not collapse, how some areas flooded and others did not, and why the Japan Trench had such a large earthquake in the first place.

Silliest Event

Possibly superluminal neutrinos, Switzerland

Gaby says: A CERN experiment provided definite proof that neutrinos can travel faster than light. Or did it? Honourable mention to the bowing crane, snowy messages, and all the other silly things that the Korea Central News Agency reported after the death of Kim Jong Il.

Natural Disaster of the Year

Floods, Earth

Reg says: This was not a good year for dry land. Flooding in Brazil, Japan, Thailand, Pakistan, and the Philippines has killed thousands and devastated the respective areas.

Chris Farley Memorial ‘Lah-Dee-Freakin-Dah’ Award for Excellence in Irrelevance

Sepp BLATTER, Switzerland

Reg says: Sepp Blatter continues to claim that he will clean up FIFA, and nothing continues to happen, all whilst he continues to make outlandish claims like “There is no racism in football”. Here’s Edvard.

Edvard says: Though my candidacy was unsuccessful, I am ready and willing to help get FIFA back on its feet. I await your telephone call, Sepp.

Bob Barker Award for Game Show Spectacularity

Million Dollar Mind Game, United States

Amber Lynn says: This is what American television needs: a programme that challenges the viewer and rewards those who can work as a team to solve difficult problems. There were many memorable moments, but the memorablest is the team of video gamers playing for US$1,000,000. Someone – GSN, Discovery Channel, TLC, someone – needs to pick this show up. Hell, maybe Comedy Central can pick it up and add Win John Hodgman’s Money as a lead in.

Worst New Game Show

You Deserve It, United States

Amber Lynn says: This programme was fifty percent overproduced sob stories and fifty percent slow gameplay with slow contestants. Is this just another show that tries to help people in need... or is it a cynical attempt at a ratings grab by exploiting people who happen to be down on their luck?

Best Film

Black Swan, United States

Gaby says: Darren at his Aronofskiest.

Worst Film

Sequels

Amber Lynn says: Wikipedia claims that a new record high of 28 sequel films were released this year, and of the ten top grossing films this year, eight were sequels. [And that’s not even counting The Smurfs.] While this may have pleased Calvin [“I hate paying eight bucks and having to deal with some new plot”], there was no need to make another Cars, Kung Fu Panda, Fast and Furious, or Transformers, nor was there a need to make the last Harry Potter and Twilight films two parters.

Silliest Film

The Muppets, United States

Gaby says: It’s always good to see the Muppets again, especially when paying homage to the largely forgotten Muppet Show. Easily the silliest moment was Jim Parsons’s cameo in the “Man or Muppet” song.

Lapel Pin Award for the Most Irrelevant News Story

Sarah PALIN, United States

Amber Lynn says: Sarah Palin is a former politician who served part of a term as the governor of the US state of Alaska. Today she talks about politics on a major television news network and talks about her home state on another major television network. But for a portion of this year, she travelled around the nation [specifically, the states that have important primary elections coming up] to give even more people the opportunity to see her folksy charm, her folksy family, and her folksy misunderstanding of US history.

Best Sporting Uniforms

Toronto Blue Jays, Canada

Deb says: Toronto have revealed new uniforms with a shocking innovation: blue! The Blue Jays will finally be wearing blue again! Can you believe that?

Worst Sporting Uniforms

Secondary kit, Chelsea FC, United Kingdom

Deb says: Chelsea’s change jersey for this season is black but with faded blue squares at the top. It makes them look like an entire squad of goalkeepers.

Silliest Sporting Uniforms

American football team, University of Maryland, United States

Deb says: The University of Maryland is a university located in the US state of Maryland. On MON 05 SEP 2011, it unveiled outfits that were apparently a live enactment of an acid trip. The school’s American football team wore a uniform evoking the state’s flag. It looked very strange – in fact, Terp teammates facing each other actually looked like opponents.

Sark’s Abolition of Feudalism ‘Well, It’s About Fucking Time’ Award

Drew Carey’s Improv-a-Ganza, United States

Deb says: Yes, it’s about fucking time that improvisational comedy came back to television. And it’s also about fucking time that the Whose Line legends [Drew Carey, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles, Brad Sherwood] reunited and brought some new stars [Jonathan Mangum, Heather Anne Campbell, Sean Masterson] and an ace musician [Bob Derkach] with them. And it’s also also about fucking time that they could make longer segments: who can forget Chip and Jeff singing that 80s electronic hit, “Wipe the Window, Hang the Freshener, Let’s Go”?