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WHAT TARA REID MASTURBATES TO

JUNK

Letter to George W Bush

Dear President Bush,

Thank you for reminding us to obey God's law. I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you support a constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage. As you said, "In the eyes of God, marriage is based between a man and a woman."

I try to share your knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend homosexual relationships, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's law and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness (Leviticus 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Leviticus 1:9). The problem is with my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Leviticus 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there degrees of abomination?

7. Leviticus 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Leviticus 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Leviticus 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Leviticus 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole neighbourhood together to stone them (Leviticus 24:10-16)? Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws (Leviticus 20:14)?

11. I would like to take on a second wife and maybe a few concubines, if I can scrape enough money together. Are you proposing an amendment to ban compulsory monogamy?

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus possess considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging, and that our constitution and laws ought to enforce it.

Sincerely,
Joe Christian-American

PS: Do you know where I can get a used Mexican cheap?

– Author unknown

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