JUNK

Important lessons from films

1. Women who live in haunted houses should always investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
2. If you're being chased through town, you can simply take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
3. Beds are always equipped with special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
4. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread protruding noticeably from the top.
5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there's somebody in the control tower to talk you down.
6. Lipstick never rubs off - not even whilst scuba diving.
7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can easily travel to any other part of the building whatsoever.
8. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
9. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, speaking the language is not a required skill. A German accent, good or bad, will suffice.
10. Paris is equipped with Eiffel Towers in such a way that exactly one is visible from every window of every building.
11. People from TV never finish their drinks.
12. A man will show no pain whilst taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
13. The chief of police must be black.
14. When paying for a taxi, don't bother to look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
15. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15 cm.
16. Kitchens aren't equipped with lights. If you want to go into a kitchen at night, just use the light in the refrigerator.
17. Any police investigation requires at least one visit to a strip club.
18. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon, and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
19. When cars and trucks crash, they will almost immediately burst into flames.
20. Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can protect men from bullets.
21. A single match will be sufficient to ignite a room of any size.
22. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and draw a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
23. Medieval peasants had excellent oral hygiene.
24. 20th century technology permits weapons to be fired at an object out of visual range, but 23rd century technology does not.
25. Any single woman has a cat.
26. Awakening from a nightmare causes people to sit bolt upright and pant.
27. Even if the road is perfectly straight, the steering wheel must be turned back and forth with a regular period.
28. One person shooting at twenty others has a better chance of killing them than twenty firing at one.
29. Funky music from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
30. If a phone line is broken, communications can be restored by frantically clicking the cradle up and down and saying, "Hello? Hello?"
31. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
32. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will confront you one by one. The others will dance around you in a threatening manner, and when you knock out one, the next attacks you, following a predetermined order.
33. In an emotional confrontation, both people should be facing the same direction such that the first is talking to the second's back, and the second must not turn around.
34. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room remains clearly visible, just darker and slightly bluish.
35. Dogs are excellent judges of character - they always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
36. Police departments give their officers personality tests so that they are assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
37. Foreigners always prefer to speak English, even when they are with others who share the same first language.
38. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.
39. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its artificial gravity system is never damaged.
40. Deranged killers on the loose are always accompanied by thunderstorms that bring down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
41. You can always find a chainsaw whenever you're likely to need one.
42. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers, circular saws, and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least twenty minutes to escape.
43. Having a job of any kind will make any father forget his son's eighth birthday.
44. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.
45. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red LED displays so you know exactly when they're going to go off. These displays also beep at one-second intervals.
46. If you're in a hurry to get to a particular building, the parking space immediately in front of its entrance will automatically be cleared for you.
47. Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always get a new one.
48. Makeup can be worn to bed without smudging.
49. Detectives are incapable of solving cases until they have been suspended from duty.
50. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

– Author unknown