IF YOU CAN SEE EACH INDIVIDUAL PIXEL, YOU’RE TOO CLOSE
Important lessons from films
- Women who live in haunted houses should always investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
- If you're being chased through town, you can simply take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
- Beds are always equipped with special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
- All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread protruding noticeably from the top.
- It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there's somebody in the control tower to talk you down.
- Lipstick never rubs off - not even whilst scuba diving.
- The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can easily travel to any other part of the building whatsoever.
- You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, speaking the language is not a required skill. A German accent, good or bad, will suffice.
- Paris is equipped with Eiffel Towers in such a way that exactly one is visible from every window of every building.
- People from TV never finish their drinks.
- A man will show no pain whilst taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
- The chief of police must be black.
- When paying for a taxi, don't bother to look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
- If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15 cm.
- Kitchens aren't equipped with lights. If you want to go into a kitchen at night, just use the light in the refrigerator.
- Any police investigation requires at least one visit to a strip club.
- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon, and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
- When cars and trucks crash, they will almost immediately burst into flames.
- Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can protect men from bullets.
- A single match will be sufficient to ignite a room of any size.
- If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and draw a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
- Medieval peasants had excellent oral hygiene.
- 20th century technology permits weapons to be fired at an object out of visual range, but 23rd century technology does not.
- Any single woman has a cat.
- Awakening from a nightmare causes people to sit bolt upright and pant.
- Even if the road is perfectly straight, the steering wheel must be turned back and forth with a regular period.
- One person shooting at twenty others has a better chance of killing them than twenty firing at one.
- Funky music from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
- If a phone line is broken, communications can be restored by frantically clicking the cradle up and down and saying, "Hello? Hello?"
- Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will confront you one by one. The others will dance around you in a threatening manner, and when you knock out one, the next attacks you, following a predetermined order.
- In an emotional confrontation, both people should be facing the same direction such that the first is talking to the second's back, and the second must not turn around.
- When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room remains clearly visible, just darker and slightly bluish.
- Dogs are excellent judges of character - they always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
- Police departments give their officers personality tests so that they are assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
- Foreigners always prefer to speak English, even when they are with others who share the same first language.
- Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.
- No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its artificial gravity system is never damaged.
- Deranged killers on the loose are always accompanied by thunderstorms that bring down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
- You can always find a chainsaw whenever you're likely to need one.
- Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers, circular saws, and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least twenty minutes to escape.
- Having a job of any kind will make any father forget his son's eighth birthday.
- Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.
- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red LED displays so you know exactly when they're going to go off. These displays also beep at one-second intervals.
- If you're in a hurry to get to a particular building, the parking space immediately in front of its entrance will automatically be cleared for you.
- Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always get a new one.
- Makeup can be worn to bed without smudging.
- Detectives are incapable of solving cases until they have been suspended from duty.
- If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
– Author unknown
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