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FILLING YOUR NON-SEQUITUR NEEDS SINCE 1997

JUNK

High quality nerd jokes

SHORT ONES

– Why was six afraid of seven?
– Because seven eight nine!

– What's 5q + 5q?
– 10q.
– You're welcome.

– What's 73 + 3?
– 76.
– That's the spirit!

– What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
– Mechanical engineers build weapons, while civil engineers build targets.

I just got a new perpetual motion machine and I tried to run it, but I kept dropping the frictionless ball bearings.

DISTINGUISHED PANEL

Situation: What's the most efficient way to pluck a chicken?

  • Biochemist: Use this protein, it will dissolve every feather on the chicken without harming it.
  • Engineer: Use this machine, it will pluck the chicken particularly rapidly.
  • Physicist: First, assume a spherical chicken...

Situation: These folks are waiting behind some slow golfers, so they ask the course marshal to do something to hurry it up. He tells them, "They're blind firefighters. They all lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we let them have free access to the course whenever they want."

  • Pastor: That's so sad. I'll say a special prayer for them tonight.
  • Doctor: I'll contact an opthalmologist friend and see if he can do anything for them.
  • Engineer: Wouldn't it make more sense for them to play at night?

Situation: In a high school gym class, the girls and boys are lined up on opposite walls. Every ten seconds, they walk far enough to cut the distance between them by half. When will they meet?

  • Physicist: Never.
  • Mathematician: In an infinite amount of time.
  • Engineer: In about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes.

Situation: The big questions that various people ask are:

  • Physics major: Why does it work?
  • Engineering major: How does it work?
  • Economics major: How much does it cost?
  • Literature major: Would you like fries with that?

Situation: Engineering students are talking about who designed the human body.

  • Mechanical engineer: Look at all the joints; it has to be a mechanical engineer.
  • Electrical engineer: No, it was an electrical engineer. That's why there are several million connections in the nervous system.
  • Civil engineer: Come on. Nobody but a civil engineer would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area.

Situation: Which is better, the wife or the mistress?

  • Architect: Spending time with my wife builds a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
  • Artist: My relationship with my mistress is full of passion and mystery.
  • Engineer: I like both. That way, they each assume I'm with the other, and I can go to the lab and get some work done.

AN ENGINEER ONE

Once upon a time, there was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later his company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem. One of their multi-million dollar machines wasn't working and nobody could fix it. So the engineer unretired to take the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine and finally marked a small X in chalk on a particular component of the machine. He told them, "Replace this part and the machine will work." They did so and sure enough, the machine worked perfectly once again. Then, the company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer. Outraged, they demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. Here's what they got:

    One chalk mark ..................... $1.00
    Knowing where to put it ....... $49,999.00
    ----                              --------
    Total ......................... $50,000.00

His check came the next day.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ENGINEERS AND MATHEMATICIANS

Three engineers and three mathematicians are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three mathematicians each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the mathematicians.

"Watch and see," replies an engineer.

They all board the train. The mathematicians take their respective seats, but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door. Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes through and takes the mathematicians' tickets. Then, seeing the restroom occupied, he knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The mathematicians see this and agree it is quite a clever idea.

After the conference, the mathematicians decide to do likewise on the return trip and save some money. They buy a single ticket, but the engineers don't buy any tickets at all.

"How are you guys going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed mathematician.

"Watch and see."

When they board the train, the three mathematicians cram into one restroom while the three engineers cram into another one nearby. Shortly after the train departs, one of the engineers gets out and knocks on the door where the mathematicians are hiding, saying, "Ticket, please."

ENGINEERS GET NO RESPECT

Once upon a time, there was a mathematician who came upon a flagpole. Being the curious mathematician, he wondered how high the pole was. So he whipped out his trusty tape measure, fixed one end on the ground, and started climbing the pole, but when he got halfway up, he slid back down.

Then a physicist came up behind him and asked, "What are you doing?"

The mathematician said, "I'm trying to figure out how high this flagpole is."

"Maybe I can help you. Wait right here." So the physicist left and came back with a ladder, putting it against the flagpole. He then took the tape measure and climbed the ladder, but it was too short. He tried to climb the rest of the flagpole, but he slid down as well.

Then an engineer came by and asked them what they were doing. The physicist said, "We're trying to find the height of this flagpole."

So the engineer said, "Oh I can help you." He turned a crank at the bottom of the flagpole, and it rotated until it was lying sideways on the ground. Then the engineer took the tape measure, measured the flagpole, told them, "Thirty feet," returned the tape measure, and left.

The others looked at the flagpole for a moment, and finally the mathematician said to the physicist, "Oh sure, just like an engineer. Ask for the height, he tells you the length."

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