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THE INVERSE OF ZAPP BRANNIGAN

JUNK

Spelling upgrades

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC (now officially the European Union, or EU), the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments.

European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult; for example: COUGH, PLOUGH, ROUGH, THROUGH, and THOROUGH, none of which rhyme. What is clearly needed is a phased program of changes to iron out these anomalies. The program would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using S instead of the soft C. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would reseive this news with joy. Then the hard C could be replaced by K sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but komputer keyboards kould be made with one less letter.

There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it would be announsed that the troublesome PH would henseforth be written F. This would make words like fotograf twenty persent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kould be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent Es in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing TH by Z.

Perhaps zen ze funktion of W kould be taken on by V, vitsh is, after al, half a W. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary O kould be dropd from words kontaining OU. Similar argumens vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls or difikultis, and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of ze guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.

– Author unknown

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