WEEKLY WHINE

Stick 2000

The irrelevant countdown is nearly up. Not the countdown to STS-99, which is far from irrelevant. What I have in mind is the countdown to Stick Day 2000, which as we all know falls on MON 31 JAN 2000. This year Stick Day brings greater joy because it brings a new stick. This was not the case in previous Stick Days, since there were no previous Stick Days.

The observant amongst you will note that Stick Day 2000 coincides with the 42nd anniversary of the launch of Explorer 1, the United States's first satellite. This is by no means a coincidence. [It is a coincidence, but not by any means.] In any case, it should not be surprising that so many critical events occurred within a given frame of the year. This part of the year seems to lend itself to things such as sticks.

But back to the sticks. We have all enjoyed the uses of Stick 1 for this past year, a year that saw triumph, tragedy, and the onset of certain global doom. No, not the Y2K bug. I am of course alluding to all those bad movies that came out last year. What the skleeg are those doobleheads in Hollywood thinking? I can name seven films I saw last year that were better than The Phantom Menace but that made less money. And I didn't see very many films last year. Three of those films were foreign, and I don't consider that coincidental. And don't even get me started on The Matrix. Please! There wasn't a single matrix, vector, or tensor. Not even so much as a James Ensor. Just give a few characters mythological names, have them make a few Shakespeare references, and the film is suddenly intelligent? I think not.

And that brings us to the sticks. Why? Because only one of the films I saw last year earned distinction as a stick-forgetting film. Which one? I'll tell you later.

Figure 1 depicts a head to head comparison of Stick 1 and Stick 2. As you can see, the main body of Stick 2 is two inches shorter but with no loss of padding. This does make the handle smaller, but the base tee should compensate. Not shown on this diagram is the feature that makes Stick 2 stand apart. You'll have to discover that for yourself.

Stick 2 has essentially the same construction as Stick 1: same foam, same pipe. It does not include any other increases in functionality; it is still essentially a stick. It does not store an umbrella, a switchblade, or even a screwdriver. But by its very nature, it need not include such bells and whistles. Stick 3 or Stick 4 will have a bell or a whistle. In the meantime, we will have to whistle manually.

So we learn that sticks always have room for improvement, regardless of their chemical composition. The stick needs no justification, embellishment, protection, or support. It is simply a stick, no better or worse than any other. Value judgments cannot be applied to sticks without serious loss of information.

Enjoy the sticks, on the way in and on the way out. You may yourself find the need for one soon.