WEEKLY WHINE

Action time

Are you Ready for Action? Some people are. Those who aren't might wish to review the following hints:

Stock up. Depending upon the type of action for which you want to be ready, you will need to stock up on something different. If you want to be ready for the Super Bowl, for example, you will want to stock up on common sense, seeing as there's still a good four months left to go. If you want to be ready for New Year's Eve, you should stock up on recyclable paper that you can tear up. If you want to be ready for whatever sort of military action is imminent, you'll want to stock up on bandwidth so that you can be sure to get to your favourite news site [eg portHOLE[tm] by GoobNet].

Watch less reality television. Reality programmes, such as Survivor, Fear Factor, and What's That Other One Called, the One About Wandering Around and Doing Silly Things for No Apparent Reason will not help you become Ready for Action. They will instead make you become confused and bewildered, mostly because the people shown are wandering around and doing silly things for no apparent reason. If you'd like to see people wandering around and doing silly things for no apparent reason, go to Beverly Hills, CA or Kensington, England.

Stay away from Kensington, England. Speaking of Kensington, England, it's a bad place to go if you want to ensure that you'll be ready for something. Most inhabitants of Kensington are ready for very few things. Their reaction to most events, regardless of type, is to go to some restaurant and eat some expensive type of seafood.

Continue to visit GoobNet. Actually, that's a good idea for anyone regardless of whether they're Ready for Action.

Listen to ecstatic music. Every person's definition of the phrase "ecstatic music" is different. For me it would include BT and Orbital. For George W Bush it would include ... well, I don't know. For you it would be whatever makes you active and interested in the things that are going on about you.

Throw something at something else. There are many things that can be thrown at other things, such as tennis balls at tin cans, basketballs at rims, pillows at beds, mints at socks, decks of cards at automobile antennas, plastic cups at potato salads, or tractor trailers at washing machines. If you give it an effort, you're sure to find a thing that you like to throw at another thing.

If you follow these simple hints you'll soon find yourself Ready for Action. Now all you need to do is find some action.