WEEKLY WHINE

Portal-icious

If you're an average Internet user, and the fact that you're here shows that you're not, you probably use these things called "portals". These are places where they want you to go to do everything that you need. They're supposed to include searching, news, stocks, sports, and other things that pull in visitors, like lots of advertising. For some reason, advertising seems to appear as soon as a site becomes popular. The site's popularity increases further, making "pundits" think that the site is successful because of the advertising. Of course, that's not what they really think, but if they did, they'd probably be equally successful as they are now. Anyway, that's why I'm proud to have absolutely no advertisements on GoobNet. Of course, that's not to say that my site is successful, or that it would be in any case at all, but the point remains that there are no advertisements to be found on GoobNet, unless you count the SnakeBall Plug Graphic. But that's not really the same.

These "portals" are all fighting one another for the right to be your startup page. They figure that you'll look at their page daily, and eventually, you'll see an ad that you want to click. This is where they make their money. So if you want to support them, click all the ads you can and then go right back to where you came from. Repeat if necessary. If you don't want to support them, don't visit them.

It's no coincidence that these new "portals" are all sites that used to be called "search engines". In the old, pre-portal days, you'd go to a search engine when you knew exactly what you wanted. Or, when you didn't know what you wanted, you'd go to a search engine and enter a random word such as "fruitcake". Try it! That's an easy way to explore fun and exciting sites you'd never have seen otherwise, like this one. Regardless of how you got here, it's probably much fun in any respect. Searching for random things is definitely a good way to waste lots of time.

But these big corporations aren't happy with the way that you search for things and use the results to go to these little sites that don't advertise and thus aren't contributing to the Fiscal Security of Big Huge Corporations. Thus, they formulated the "portal". Here's how it works:

1. Go to the portal. Some of them are actually called something like "Go". Boy, that just makes you want to go right to it, doesn't it? Others have names that come from their corporate backers, like "AOL.com" or "MSN.com" or "Netscape Netcenter". In some cases, they choose a random word, like "Excite" or "Yahoo". In other cases, they have a strange juxtaposition of letters that seems like it doesn't have anything to do with anything, like "Altavista" or "Hotbot". They all seem bizarre, so it's probably an introduction to their curious ways.

2. Look at their stuff. Most "portals" share a few common features. They all have news headlines from some external source, usually one that is a "corporate partner". They also give business updates, like the current location of the DJIA or the Nasdaq index. You'll see scores from various sporting events. You'll see "fun facts" about something or other, and in some cases they really will be fun. You'll see something like horoscopes, which people seem to like for no readily apparent reason. To me, the only uses for horoscopes are as filler in your parrot cage and as an entertaining indictment of society. "And people actually believe these things? That's preposterous! I bet I can make millions off of these useless sites called 'portals' that everyone will think is just so neato!"

3. "Customise" or "personalise" the portal. In most cases, they cleverly add the word "My" in front of their name to indicate that you're using a "customised" or "personalised" portal. They let you limit the headlines to the subjects that interest you, limit the scores to your favourite clubs, add stocks to your "portfolio" so you can see how much money your Internet broker is getting you, and put the horoscope for your sign on the bottom of the page. You don't, however, have the option of deactivating the advertisements. You do have the option of giving them your real name or a fake one. In either case, you usually get a cheery greeting like "Hi net_mook3147! Welcome to My Excite!"

4. Go to some other site. The method in which you do this varies. The quickest way is to search for some word and look at their results. Sometimes, they'll only give you sites that they've looked at and approved for the general public. Other times, they'll give you a numeric rating that tells how closely they think the site fits your keyword. In still other cases, they'll only give you things that are completely unrelated. The other alternative is to look through their listings of sites that they've looked at and approved for the general public. If, for example, you want sites that make fun of airlines, you can look under Business and Commerce:Travel Businesses:Aviation:Airlines:Humour. If you want sites that describe how to make homemade explosives, you can look under Home and Family:Arts and Crafts:Equipment:Explosives:Fertiliser. They will then inform you that there are no sites in that category that they've looked at and approved for the general public, and furthermore, your name and IP address is being appended to a list that government officials frequently review to see whom they can spuriously arrest as a "security threat". It's that easy!

So you see how portals can help you. In fact, portals are so helpful that I'm making one. Yes, it's official: Coming Soon, GoobNet presents the only portal you'll ever need! It's portHOLE™ by GoobNet! It will include news, scores, stocks, horoscopes, bulletins, games, giveaways, and more! Only on GoobNet! I bet you can't wait, can you? I know I can.