WEEKLY WHINE

Keep your units to yourself

It sounds like a bad episode of Sliders.

This week, Quinn and the gang slide into a world where metric measures have brought peace... or have they? Beneath the idyllic kilometers is a subversive underground bent on restoring the English units of their past. And when Maggie utters the word "ounce" in public, the overzealous government locks her up and embeds a unit-conversion chip in her brain. Can Q-ball, Remy, and Wade operate a metric world's machinery well enough to prevent Maggie from talking about "not budging 2.54 centimeters on this" for the rest of her days? Find out on this week's episode, "453.59237 Grams of Cure"!

As I sometimes say, I am passionate about three things: space, 24 hour time, and SI units. But there's more to this case than meets the eye.

Steven Thoburn is a greengrocer, and his shop contains scales marked in pounds. [That's lb, not £.] But according to a European Union directive, member nations, including the United Kingdom, must ensure that vendors sell things in metric units. In particular, goods must be priced in metric units, and scales must show metric units. Many vendors now use both.

Thoburn won't. He likes to say that nobody has ever asked him for a kilogram of bananas. As a result, he ignored Trading Standards officers' warnings about his pound-only scales in APR 2000. The warnings continued until the matter reached a comical peak in JUL 2000, when Trading Standards officers returned, this time with a pair of Sunderland police officers. Two sets of scales in Thoburn's stall at the Southwick market were seized, and Thoburn was charged with two counts of using illegal measures under Parliament's Weights and Measures Act of 1985. The scales were apparently located by police dogs trained on the scent of footlong hot dogs.

War is now being waged. When Thoburn's case goes to court in Sunderland tomorrow after being in recess since TUE 07 NOV 2000, his side will argue that the Weights and Measures Act permits use of pounds and that the Units of Measurement Regulations of 1994 amended the act illegally. Serving as Thoburn's barrister is Michael Shrimpton, who specializes in units quarrels. His position is outlined in an opinion that criticizes the Units of Measurement Regulations as misleading: "I have seen pleadings in Chancery which were a model of clarity in comparison."

Units fanatics on both sides have had much to argue about recently: Mars Climate Orbiter's loss was, at its root, due to a failure to convert between English and metric units. Metric fans say this shows that everybody should go their way; English fans say this shows that everybody should go their way. Since SAT 01 JAN 2000, when the ban on pounds and ounces went into effect, a growing backlash against metric units has been observed. The British are showing their support for Thoburn and are even contributing to a "metric martyr" fund established by the UK Independence Party, an anti-Europe political party that uses the fund to contribute to the legal battles of Thoburn and others.

Thoburn could be fined up to £5,000 or be imprisoned for up to six months for having non-metric scales. Once they deal with him, Sunderland officials will certainly be eager to get on with the important business of locking up people who drink milk after the expiration date.