WEEKLY WHINE

It's your fault

Your roads are clogged because of you.

That, at least, is the conclusion reached by the United Kingdom's Commission for Integrated Transport, which has proposed a scheme wherein drivers are taxed depending upon where and when they drive.

Under the plan, GPS receivers in cars would record their motions and send the data back to the government, which would then compute the amount to be charged as a function of distance travelled during various parts of the week. Rush hour would be the most expensive, followed by offpeak weekdays, and weekends cheapest. Similarly, central London would be charged at the highest rate, and rural roads would be cheapest. The commission thinks that this method would discourage people from driving at peak hours and thereby reduce congestion.

Naturally, ideas like this have inspired the staff here at GoobNet, which always looks for ways to serve humanity. [Not that humanity asked us.] So here are some other things that could be taxed so as to allow you to stop screwing up your own life.

FAST FOOD TAX
Problem: There are too many fast food joints, especially in the United States.
Solution: Everyone who wants to open a fast food restaurant must pay a hefty tax. Everyone who eats at a fast food restaurant must pay another hefty tax. Everyone who celebrates sporting achievements at fast food restaurants [like Swedish footballer Anders Svensson - see Internetsoccer article] must pay an even heftier tax.
Economic Effect: None. The government would acquire more money because of the tax, but because lawmakers can't cook, they have to go to fast food joints themselves. Hence their demand offsets the increased fixed costs associated with the new tax.

MOVIE TAX
Problem: There are too many movies that suck.
Solution: When a film is made, the studio must pay a tax based upon how much the film sucks. Films like The Five Senses and Mulholland Drive would have to pay only a few thousand US dollars, whereas Titanic and Ocean's Eleven [the new one] would be taxed several million dollars. The Phantom Menace, of course, would be charged the entire gross national product of Denmark.
Economic Effect: Film budgets fall - instead of spending US$100,000,000 on something like Waterworld, studios would spend only US$50,000,000 on the actual film, saving the rest for the tax.

CLICHÉ TAX
Problem: People use clichés like "This is a red letter day" and "Whatever happened to the Spice Girls?" too often.
Solution: Create a list of clichés and price each one. "All's well that ends well" would cost US$.50 per use, "I love the smell of napalm in the morning" US$3, "I can't believe it's not [whatever]" US$822.50, and so on.
Economic Effect: The Sporting News would go bankrupt. Baseball announcers, unable to pony up for their favourite clichés, would have to resort to telling silly stories about Yankees bench coach Don Zimmer or former pitcher Bill "Spaceman" Lee throughout every game. This would make it impossible to follow a game by radio, and sports radio stations would have to offset their slumping ratings by instituting Silly Noise Hours.

STUPIDITY TAX
Problem: People do stupid things too often.
Solution: Charge people whenever they do anything stupid. For example, levy a tax of US$3 for stepping on broken glass, US$10 for running a red light or for watching professional wrestling, US$25 for buying something advertised on an infomercial, US$80,000 for suing Osama bin Laden, and US$244,000 for going around claiming that HIV represents the "wrath of God" or something like that.
Economic Effect: Very little. Most people who do stupid things, like the United States Justice Department, can afford to do it. To make the tax have any effect, the amount would have to be so large that it would be unfair to the people who are naturally stupid.