WEEKLY WHINE

Global football roundup

Wake up! You slept through the last week, so you can be forgiven for missing these important news items in worldwide football.

SCOTLAND

Yesterday, Celtic won the Scottish Premier League title with a 5-1 win over Livingston. With four matches left to play, they are sixteen clear of nearest rivals Rangers. This is the 5,288th title for Celtic, who celebrated by going to spot some trains. Meanwhile, Livingston's Barry Wilson, who scored the late consolation goal, tried to spot some trains, but because he was slumped down in his seat, he could only see the one he rode home.

SOUTH AFRICA

Kaizer Chiefs, booted from the CAF Cup Winners' Cup a week ago, bitched about the decision the last few days. The team failed to show up for the away leg of their first round encounter with Madagascar side US Transfoot. The Johannesburg based club say that their suspension proves that CAF doesn't care about players' safety. CAF responded by saying that they do care about players' safety. "We want the teams to play all of their fixtures," says CAF spokesguy Morton Dlamegna, "or else we'll break their kneecaps."

ENGLAND

With Wolverhampton Wanderers' 1-0 loss to Millwall a day previously, Manchester City secured a ticket into the English Premier League as they entered their home match with Barnsley, a 5-1 win. Because Wolverhampton's loss was the key that got them in, Man City were sitting on their couches for the great moment. The club join a long list of people to whom something important happened as they were sitting on their couches, among them Al Einstein [coming up with special relativity], George W Bush [choking on a pretzel], Yuri Gagarin [flying in space], and Sergei Korolev [watching Gagarin fly in space].

ITALY

The entire city of Milan was in a glum mood on FRI 05 APR 2002, Inter Milan and AC Milan both having lost the first leg of their respective UEFA Cup semifinals the evening before. Feyenoord of the Netherlands handed Inter a 1-0 home loss, whilst AC Milan were bulldozed 4-0 at German side Borussia Dortmund. Italian sport dailies pined over the messy situation in which Italian football finds itself. Adriano Galliani, vice president of AC Milan, said, "Now everyone is convinced that the situation is critical". Fan Alessandro Vigeno responded, "I'm not convinced." Within moments, hired goons descended upon him and forced him to admit that, okay, he was convinced.

KOREA REPUBLIC

Suwon Bluewings won the 2002 Asian Club Championship in a tightly contested encounter with crosspeninsula rivals Anyang Cheetas, taking the title on penalties after the match ended goalless. It was the second time the Cheetas had drawn 0-0 with the Bluewings in this year's tournament, the other coming in the Eastern quarterfinal round. Kim Sung-Il of Anyang, taking his side's third penalty attempt, kicked the ball so hard that it blew up. Only four of the ball's 32 panels made their way into the goal. That would turn out the decisive moment, as Suwon won the shootout 4-2.125.