WEEKLY WHINE

Interaction: Remaining affectionate in public

Myers: Good evening, and welcome to this week's edition of Interaction, the programme that makes you feel like a newsmaker, or at least like a person who is remotely involved with the news. We've got a lot to talk about this week, such as a recent proposal in Moscow to outlaw kissing in public. Will that make people more moral? Will it make them more amoral? Will it make their morals weakened and cavity filled? There's only one way to find out, and that is to bring in a panel. In Moscow, a proponent of the kissing ban, a retired Moscow councilmember, Mr Valeri Budnakorova.

Budnakorova: Good evening.

Myers: Joining us from her remote office in Kingston, Jamaica, is the director of the Personal Justice League of Russia, Ms Karova Vodonarovicinskaya.

Vodonarovicinskaya: Hi there!

Myers: In Kuala Lumpur, we have a spokesperson for the Film Censorship Board of Malaysia, Mr Jong Arodhawaya.

Arodhawaya: Good day.

Myers: And with me here in London is the vice president of the Mexico City Affection Association, Ms Juliana Salazar.

Salazar: Hello.

Myers: Thank you all for joining us today. We'll open by asking you, Valeri, for some information about the proposal to ban public kisses in Moscow. Why was such a measure felt necessary?

Budnakorova: Yes, well, Moscow is rapidly becoming one of the most base societies in today's Russia. Nobody can drive worth shit - can I say shit?

Myers: Say whatever the fuck you want.

Budnakorova: And people leave their shit around on the streets. Not their literal shit, I mean, their figurative shit. But I think that if this goes on much longer, people will start leaving their literal shit around on the streets.

Myers: Some harsh words there. Karova, what would be the negative consequences of such a ban?

Vodonarovicinskaya: Well, Debbie, this would deny us of one of the best things about living in Moscow, after the vodka and the weather. In Moscow, one can do whatever one wants without fear of persecution by the Man. There is no need for the government to tell us how we should love one another. Let's not forget how important loving one another is, as otherwise the population would begin to dwindle.

Myers: Interesting points there. Jong, the Film Censorship Board of Malaysia is sometimes criticised for being too strict. Is such strictness necessary in Malaysia?

Arodhawaya: Absolutely. Our children should not be seeing such hazardous images as expectoration.

Myers: Well, that's certainly something to think about. Juliana, how do you respond to claims that popular culture is causing society to decay?

Salazar: I think it's ridiculous to blame our social problems on television programmes and films. Artists create nothing but what they see, and at the moment, they see drug abuse and violence. But there's no reason to throw sex and love into that group, as those are precisely the things that make life worth living.

Arodhawaya: That's ridiculous. What about Grand Theft Auto?

Salazar: What about it?

Arodhawaya: It's full of violence and sex.

Salazar: No, it's full of simulated crime. There's some simulated violence in there, sure, but there's absolutely no simulated sex. Unless you've gotten to a level that I haven't yet.

Arodhawaya: No, no, no. How can you call that "some" simulated violence? That's all it is!

Salazar: Not at all. There are a great deal of intricate puzzles.

Arodhawaya: Like what? Where to bash your crowbar?

Salazar: Have you even played it?

Arodhawaya: Play that filthy thing? I don't think so.

Salazar: Ugh! This is absurd! How do you even -

Arodhawaya: I'll tell you what's absurd. Your extreme -

Salazar: How dare you -

Myers: All right -

Arodhawaya: I can't believe you are an active participant in this horrid -

Salazar: If you'd just try it, maybe you'd -

Myers: Okay, that's -

Arodhawaya: You don't even know what -

Myers: Hold -

Salazar: You are completely out of -

[Arodhawaya's and Salazar's sound cuts off abruptly.]

Myers: Okay, that's one red button push so far today. If you want them to talk about something different, send in your question. You can telephone us, E-mail us, telegraph us, fax us, post us, or spam us. But if you do that, be forewarned. We'll spam back. We'll open with a question from Dee in Brownsville, TX, USA. Dee, are you there?

Dee in Brownsville: Hello?

Myers: Hello Dee. What is your question?

Dee in Brownsville: What's Grand Theft Auto like? I keep hearing about it, but I've never played it.

Salazar: It's awesome! You know that feeling you get when someone takes your aorta and then you go and take their aorta?

[Pause.]

Myers: Yes, of course. Now it's time to move on to our next question, and it's by facsimile. Ned from Banjul, India asks why so many countries are intent on banning films whereas other countries simply install age limits. Valeri, would you like to discuss that?

Arodhawaya: Hey! I'm the film censor on the panel! Don't I get to talk?

Myers: That depends. Do you think you can be good?

Arodhawaya: What about Little Miss Carjacker? She just got to talk again.

Salazar: That's because I'm better than you.

Arodhawaya: You little bitch. If you weren't a woman -

Salazar: What? What would you do if I was male? Go on, say it.

Arodhawaya: Actually, I'd still do it even though you're female.

Salazar: Yeah? Come here and try it!

Arodhawaya: Maybe I will!

Salazar: You won't get any further than that! I'll -

[Arodhawaya's and Salazar's sound cuts off abruptly.]

Myers: Strike two then as we move on to another question, from Chuck in Arnhem, Netherlands. Chuck's E-mail asks what the proposed punishments would be for kissing in Moscow. Valeri?

Budnakorova: Punishments would include fines, and in egregious cases, imprisonment.

Vodonarovicinskaya: The hell do you mean "egregious"? What the hell is an "egregious" kiss?

Budnakorova: Let me illustrate by example. If I were to kiss my wife in public, or my mistress, or her mistress, that would be a normal kiss and that would be punishable by a fine. But if I were to kiss a really hot girl like Yulia Nova in public, that would be egregious because it would inspire extreme jealousy amongst other men, and homosexual women, and bisexual women, over my ability to snag myself such a hottie. I would then be imprisoned.

Vodonarovicinskaya: You mean you and Yulia Nova would both be imprisoned.

Budnakorova: Don't be silly. Who would put her in prison? The closest Yulia Nova will ever get to prison is one of those porn films.

Vodonarovicinskaya: Ugh. Your repulsive behaviour is exactly the sort of thing that should be prosecuted, not some silly puritanical take on today's lifestyle.

Budnakorova: What's wrong with my behaviour, you dirty slut?

Myers: Okay, okay, time -

Vodonarovicinskaya: Excuse me? Did you really just say that on international television?

Budnakorova: Say what? What is it you're complaining about now?

Vodonarovicinskaya: I believe you just called me a dirty slut on international television. Is that accurate?

Budnakorova: I highly doubt that. You must be hearing things.

Myers: Look, let's -

Vodonarovicinskaya: Not now. I'm challenging here. What did you call me?

Budnakorova: I didn't call you anything, nor am I going to indulge your lunatic hallucinations.

Vodonarovicinskaya: How dare you -

Arodhawaya: Yeah, take down that promiscuous bitch.

Salazar: Who asked you?

Myers: Look, we're moving -

Budnakorova: Oh, that's fucking it. When you show your excuse for a face in Moscow again, your ass is mine.

Vodonarovicinskaya: Why don't you frame it and put it next to all the other asses you've accumulated.

Salazar: He doesn't need any more ass. He's already all ass.

Vodonarovicinskaya: Nice.

Arodhawaya: Look, if your tiny little minds weren't preoccupied with violence and sex, you might be winning this debate.

Budnakorova: That's good. I'm writing that one down.

Myers: If we can move on to -

Salazar: In a minute. Are you not capable of treating a woman as your equal?

Arodhawaya: That has nothing to do with the topic at hand.

Salazar: That has everything to do! As I recall, we're talking about morality -

Budnakorova: And what would you know about -

Vodonarovicinskaya: What could be more immoral than -

Arodhawaya: You obviously have no respect for -

[Budnakorova's, Vodonarovicinskaya's, Arodhawaya's, and Salazar's sound cuts off abruptly.]

Myers: So as we must use the red button once more to bring this dirtiest ever edition of Interaction to a close, let me thank Ms Juliana Salazar, Mr Jong Arodhawaya, Ms Karova Vodonarovicinskaya, and Mr Valeri Budnakorova for joining us here this evening. Next week we'll be discussing the results of recent studies about the still widening scope of the global fight against HIV, where we'll be joined by a North American doctor, a South American clinic operator, an African educational activist, and an Asian clerk. Good night.

Arodhawaya: Woohoo! I win!

Salazar: Go tuck yourself in.