WEEKLY WHINE

Of inversions and explosions

It's again time to cast a critical eye at all that has been going on in the sporting world this past week.

NATIONAL BASKETBALL ASSOCIATION

Referees in the league have been fuming at a suspension handed to Michael Henderson, who was disciplined for actually calling a travel on Allen Iverson.

No, seriously, he whistled for a 24 second violation on WED 25 FEB 2004 when Denver's Andre Miller missed - but did hit the rim - in the final minute of the Nuggets' game against the Lakers. The Lakers came back to win, causing Shaquille O'Neal to call Henderson the "Big Inadvertent".

The league office called Henderson a "dooblehead" and suspended him for three games. The referees' union says that this punishment was not consistent with the NBA's rules about ref evaluations. On FRI 27 FEB 2004, NBA referees at all the evening's games turned their shirts inside out and wrote in Henderson's number 62 on the back. The clear message: He's officiating in spirit. Or something.

Actually, two of the three officials at the Grizzlies-Bucks game didn't alter their shirts, and the boss of the refs' union accused the league of "bullying" them out of the protest. Whether the Sicilian Mafia is involved in the referees' union, we have no idea. But on the NBA's side is the Stern Mafia.

MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL

The Bartman Ball was executed this week. The baseball popped up into foul ground on the third base side of Wrigley Field during last year's NLCS Game 6 was potentially within Moises Alou's reach, but a guy in the stands went for it as well, and nobody caught it. Within seconds, a sixteen ton weight fell on the Cubs' dugout.

To hear your typical Cubs fan tell it, that's precisely what happened. But no, it took several more batters to put the Marlins ahead with various other misadventures befalling the Cubbies. As Kevin Asseo, BBC Sport's Man in America, so rightly put it, "Let's just hope they don't go one step further and blow up shortstop Alex Gonzalez, whose howler in the field on the very next play was the gaffe that truly kept the Cubs out of the World Series."

The mode of destruction for the baseball was quite simple. A special effects artist developed a smokeless pyrotechnic device to blast the ball into a big clump of tangled threads. A visit from Germany's Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder led to the following pleasant feelings: "I very much hope that thing about the National League championship is going to play out the way you want it to." Umm... thanks?

ENGLISH FOOTBALL LEAGUE

Today's Carling Cup final between Bolton and Middlesbrough will be tickled pink. Or tied pink. One of the two.

Yes, that's right. When the Middlesbrough players examine the field at Cardiff's Millennium Stadium, they'll be wearing grey suits with blue shirts and pink ties. Why? Don't go there. Footballers have never been too good with fashion. Just look at Feyenoord. [Actually, come to think of it, don't.]

Their coach, Steve McClaren, was opposed to the idea. Several days before, he said, "I'm the manager. I have the final say." Then, he was outvoted. What's the big deal? It's not like they'll be wearing pink uniforms.

Unless their home and away shirts get mixed together in the laundry.

Meanwhile, the Football League has announced a new sponsorship deal with Coke starting next season. Under the terms of the agreement, coaches who disagree with referees' calls will now be able to pour Coke bottles over their heads as a protest.

INTERNATIONAL FOOTBALL

At yesterday's meeting of the International Football Association Board, several new rules were passed. First, overtime is to be fixed at thirty minutes, without the golden goal rule. This move was made to ensure that the team that gives up a goal in overtime has a "sporting chance" to come back. Of course, if you wanted your chance to come back, why don't you just not concede the goal to begin with?

Furthermore, unitards are not to be worn on the field of play. This protects the sanctity of wrestling as the only human pursuit in which unitards are acceptable attire. And even then, if there was an alternative that didn't look awful nasty on the human body, we'd go for that.