WEEKLY WHINE

Consumer purports

So what's new in the world of electronics? We'll tell you.

THERE'S NO CRYING IN BIOMETRICS!

The British government has been testing iris scanners. Why? That's right: Everyone wants to know whether Cherie Blair's are real or not.

No, wait. That's not it. It's a pilot programme for the ID cards that are to be part of everyday life in the UK, along with greasy food, bobbies barging into rooms and saying "Right, what's all this then", and tabloids claiming that various famous people cheated on their spouses whilst mainstream newspapers recite the same claims as unspecified "allegations".

But there are problems afoot. The testing so far suggests that watery eyes and long eyelashes can each screw up iris scanners. You know what that means, folks. It wouldn't have worked on Alan Smith after the Bolton-Leeds match last weekend, or on Vickie Beckham when she opens up the News of the World in the morning.

Meanwhile, problems with other types of human recognition have also been spotted. For instance, fingerprint scans wouldn't work on people who work with their hands, and vaginal scans wouldn't work on porn stars.

ROUND UP THE E-POSSE!

Speaking of law enforcement officers, the guy who wrote the Sasser worm has apparently been nabbed in Germany. The US's Federal Bureau of Investigation helped in the arrest, as did Microsoft. Microsoft's role in the capture was the electronic equivalent of the guy who stands behind all of the cop cars, waits for the arrest to be made, and then points to the guy and says, "That's the man who did it, officer! I'd recognise him anywhere!"

Sasser causes infected computers to reboot incessantly. This contrasts with normal Windows behaviour in that the computer reboots when you don't want it to, whereas by default, Windows won't reboot when you do want it to.

But why would this guy turn to a life of electronic crime? Unconfirmed reports say that he wanted to free people from their "prison of DLLs and ActiveX controls".

Operatives close to the sting say that there could be a connection between the guy and the infamous Netsky virus, which is now up to nearly thirty versions. Security experts are already talking about the "Netsky gang" and how they could bust the ring "wide open" as a result of the Sasser guy's capture. The response from the Netsky gang: "You'll never take us alive, coppers! Muggsy, getcher Tommy gun!"

So much for electronics news. Next week, we'll share the latest in the world of hip health.