WEEKLY WHINE

That's just not likely

Ever wonder what would happen if GoobNet published a tabloid newspaper? Well, now you don't need to any more, because here are the headlines we would run.

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FACE ON MARS STILL ISN'T REAL!

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FREDDY ADU: "MY MOM WON'T LET ME READ GOOBNET!"

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MARY-KATE AND ASHLEY'S SECRET: "WE DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT OURSELVES EITHER!"

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SHOCKING TRUTH REVEALED! NOSTRADAMUS'S SUCCESS RATE ONLY .08%!

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BILL GATES'S HOME PC RUNS DOS 5.1!

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HIDDEN CAMERAS REVEAL: AMERICAN IDOL SUCKS!

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WHAT THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW: THE REAL REASON FAMILY GUY WAS CANCELLED!

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KOBE'S EMOTIONAL CONFESSION: "I FORGOT HOW TO PASS!"

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MEXICAN UFO WAS JUST LIGHTNING BALL!

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POSH AND BECKS HAVE DULL WEEK!

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QUEEN OF ENGLAND: "I FORGOT WHO WON THE PREMIER LEAGUE THIS YEAR!"

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PHIL JACKSON: "I FORGOT WHO WON THE NBA FINALS THIS YEAR!"

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SCIENTISTS BAFFLED! MAN WALKS AND CHEWS GUM!

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PARIS HILTON SPOTTED NOT MAKING OUT WITH ANYONE!

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EGYPTIAN PYRAMID SECRET: NO ALIENS, THEY WERE JUST CLEVER!

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END OF WORLD NEAR: ONLY 5 BILLION YEARS LEFT!