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NOVELTY

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SUN 08 MAY 2005: Schmilblick Patrol: Jeff Van Gundy

Schmilblick Patrol

SUN 11 SEP 2005: Schmilblick Patrol: Toshimitsu Yoshida

WEEKLY WHINE

Schmilblick Patrol: Bernie Ecclestone

Edvard: Hello! Hi everyone! Hey, welcome once again to GoobNet's Adventures of the Schmilblick Patrol! It's time to meet today's participant. Please welcome the CEO of Formula One Management, Bernie Ecclestone.

Bernie: Hi there!

Edvard: Hi Bernie. Welcome to the show. Want to meet the patrollers?

Bernie: Sure.

Edvard: Okay. First up, we've got Marcos from La Mancha, Spain.

Marcos: Hi.

Edvard: Linzi from Amherst, MA, USA.

Linzi: Hi Edvard.

Edvard: And Saki from Tacoma, WA, USA.

Saki: Hi!

Edvard: So what's your Schmilblick today, Bernie?

Bernie: My Schmilblick is: Why I called up Danica Patrick to compare her to a household appliance.

Edvard: All right. Why you called Danica Patrick to compare her to a household appliance. Seems like a good one. I have to say, I can't wait to see what the answer will be. And if our patrollers today can figure out that answer, they're each going to win a lifetime supply of Michelin tires. But if they can't identify your Schmilblick in eighteen questions, you're going to win a lifetime supply of tires for Marcos's moped. So, good luck to everybody. Patrollers, ready?

Linzi: Yeah.

Saki: Ready!

Marcos: Let's go.

Edvard: Bernie, ready?

Bernie: I'm ready.

Edvard: Okay, let's go on patrol! Marcos, you'll be first.

Marcos: All right. Hi Bernie.

Bernie: Hi Marcos.

Marcos: Bernie, are you married?

Bernie: Yes, I am.

Edvard: Married to Slavica, I understand.

Bernie: That's right.

Edvard: A former model.

Bernie: Yes, she is. She's right there in the audience.

Edvard: Hi, Slavica. So, you're married to a model. Bastard. No, just kidding. Anyway, that's one down, seventeen to go. Linzi, let's have your first question.

Linzi: Sure thing, Edvard. Bernie, do you make Slavica wear white?

Edvard: That's funny. Do you, Bernie?

Bernie: No, of course not.

Edvard: Good.

Bernie: Only on Tuesdays.

Edvard: Um, okay. So that's two down, sixteen to go. And before we move on to our third question, let's get to know our patrollers. Saki, hi.

Saki: Hi, Edvard.

Edvard: You're a technical support director in Tacoma.

Saki: Yes, I am.

Edvard: And I understand you're a champion karaoke singer.

Saki: That's right, I am.

Edvard: Is this a national championship?

Saki: Well, no. But I am this year's champion at one of Seattle's top karaoke bars.

Edvard: Well, congratulations.

Saki: Thanks.

Edvard: Do you have a favourite song that you like to do?

Saki: I really like "Cruel Cruel Summer".

Edvard: Okay, well, perhaps we can hear you sing it after the show. In the meantime, let's have your first question.

Saki: Okay. Bernie, are you a misogynist?

Edvard: Getting straight to the point, it seems. Bernie, are you a misogynist?

Bernie: I should say not.

Edvard: You should say not, or you do say not?

Bernie: I do say not.

Edvard: Okay then. That's three down, fifteen to go. Marcos, hi.

Marcos: Hi Edvard.

Edvard: What do you do in La Mancha?

Marcos: I clean windmills.

Edvard: Is that right?

Marcos: Yes. I clean some of the largest windmills in La Mancha.

Edvard: You don't attack them?

Marcos: No, I don't.

Edvard: Sorry. You must get that all the time.

Marcos: Yes, I do.

Edvard: So, um, what's your next question?

Marcos: Bernie, do you know any other female professional drivers besides Danica Patrick?

Edvard: Do you, Bernie?

Bernie: No, I don't.

Edvard: All right then. We're learning a bit more, but that's four down, fourteen to go. Linzi, hi.

Linzi: Hey.

Edvard: What do you do in Amherst?

Linzi: Well, I don't do anything right now. I'm looking to be a clerk at a dance studio.

Edvard: Do dance studios require clerks?

Linzi: You haven't been in one, have you?

Edvard: No. But if you're working in one, I may have to. And it says here you're also interested in height increases.

Linzi: Yes, I've been trying to get taller the past couple of years.

Edvard: How tall are you now?

Linzi: Five-nine.

Edvard: And how tall were you two years ago?

Linzi: Five-eight-point-nine.

Edvard: So in two years, you've added a tenth of an inch?

Linzi: Yes, but I think I'm getting the hang of it now, so I should progress much more quickly soon.

Edvard: Have you set a goal?

Linzi: Yes. I want to be eleven feet tall in time for my sister's wedding.

Edvard: And when is that?

Linzi: In two weeks.

Edvard: Ooooookay. Well, best of luck to you. Let's have your next question.

Linzi: Bernie, do you clean up after yourself?

Bernie: No.

Edvard: All right. Five down, thirteen to go. Back to you, Saki.

Saki: Bernie, do you consider yourself an aspiring comedian?

Bernie: Yes, I do.

Edvard: Really?

Bernie: Yes. Although I probably shouldn't say too much just yet.

Edvard: Well, saying too much is what got you into this mess in the first place. Anyway, that's six down, twelve to go. Back over to you, Marcos. What will you ask?

Marcos: Bernie, are you working on a routine about people's attitudes toward female drivers that you wanted to test with a female driver?

Bernie: Yes, I am. And that's my Schmilblick.

Edvard: It is?

Bernie: Yes.

Edvard: You called Danica to test a standup routine about female race car drivers?

Bernie: Yes, I did.

Edvard: Well, I think that test failed. Okay, well, that means our patrollers win a lifetime supply of Michelin tires. Congratulations to all of you. And we're going to see you next time right here on GoobNet's Adventures of the Schmilblick Patrol. I'm Edvard van de Kamp, wishing you good tidings and better Schmilblicks. Good night!

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