WEEKLY WHINE

Moratorium

The following events are not to take place again. If you witness a violation, please report it to the GoobNet Societal Temperament Improvement Notification Group [STING].

1. Disbelief with respect to unseen films or television programmes, eg, "You haven't seen The Godfather?!" Just shut up already. You haven't seen Greed, have you? There you go.
2. Similarly, disbelief of an answer, ie, "Are you from California?" "No." "Yes you are." If you were so sure of the answer, why did you bother asking the question?
3. Failing to look both ways at intersections. It's as though some drivers want to kill people.
4. Proclaiming systematic bias in US media, whether liberal or conservative. Where the hell is "neutral" supposed to be, anyway? Your opinion?
5. Tommy Cruise jumping on Oprah's couch. Actually, just to be on the safe side, any celebrity jumping on any couch.
6. The Atkins diet. For that matter, the South Beach diet, the Zone diet, or any other diet that markets "officially licensed" paraphernalia.
7. Sports announcers missing important events that they talked over, as in last weekend's NFC playoff game between Washington and Tampa Bay. Mike Patrick, Joe Theismann, and Paul Maguire talked over referee Mike Carey's announcement that the Redskins' Sean Taylor was ejected for spitting at an opponent. Barely a minute later, Patrick asked, "Has he been ejected?"
8. Treating children as though they're stupid. They're probably smarter than you are.
9. Portraying oneself as a victim, eg, Paris Hilton accusing Zeta Graff of antisocial behaviour and Graff in turn accusing Hilton of lying.
10. Ass text: text that appears across the ass of womens' pants.
11. Amy suits: sweatsuits that are obviously not designed to be sweated upon.
12. Antigrav suits: women's swimsuits that must be taped to the body.
13. Use of the phrase "All your base are belong to us". If you feel that you must reference Zero Wing, "What you say!!" is vastly superior.
14. Bowdlerisation. If you're going to swear, just fucking do it.
15. Any other form of self censorship. You're not afraid to think it, are you? Then don't be afraid to say it.
16. Failing to understand satire, eg, Deborah Norville reporting on MSNBC a study claiming that 58% of all exercise in the US is done for TV shows. The source? You guessed it, The Onion.