Schmilblick Patrol: Kendra Davis

Edvard: Hey! Hi everybody! Thank you! Welcome to GoobNet's Adventures of the Schmilblick Patrol, where the search for Schmilblicks could land you great prizes! Now, it's time to meet our participant tonight. She's in the news as a consequence of her marriage to a basketball player, but this time it's her character and behaviour that's under scrutiny. Please welcome the wife of the New York Knicks' Antonio Davis, Ms Kendra Davis.

Kendra: Hi Edvard.

Edvard: Shall we meet today's patrollers?

Kendra: Let's do it.

Edvard: Okay. From Regina, SK, Canada, here's Julius.

Julius: Hey there.

Edvard: From Savannah, GA, USA, Al.

Al: Hi Edvard.

Edvard: And from Mucuc, ID, USA, here's Patricia.

Patricia: Hi.

Edvard: Welcome to each of you. So Kendra, let's have your Schmilblick.

Kendra: All right. My Schmilblick is: What I did to get into that scuffle with that Bulls fan in Chicago on Wednesday.

Edvard: What you did to set off the scuffle in Chicago. Okay. Well, if our patrollers can figure out your Schmilblick, they're going to win a trip to New York to watch a Knicks game with you. But if they go eighteen questions without guessing your Schmilblick, you'll win a trip to Atlanta to watch a Thrashers game with Al. So good luck to everyone. Patrollers, are you ready?

Patricia: Yes.

Julius: Ready.

Al: I'm ready.

Edvard: Kendra, ready?

Kendra: Let's go.

Edvard: Well, let's go on patrol! Julius, we start with you.

Julius: Hi Kendra.

Kendra: Hi there Julius.

Julius: Kendra, do you often go to the Knicks' away games?

Kendra: Yes I do.

Edvard: Okay. So that's one down, seventeen to go. Over to you, Al.

Al: Kendra, has this sort of thing happened before?

Kendra: You mean Antonio coming into the stands like that?

Al: No, you getting into altercations with other fans.

Kendra: Yeah, but see, they always start it. Like in Portland that one time, when –

Edvard: Okay, okay. Your answer is yes, Kendra?

Kendra: Yeah.

Edvard: All right. Well, that's two down, sixteen to go. But before we get our third question, let's meet our patrollers. Patricia, hi.

Patricia: Hi Edvard.

Edvard: Came here all the way from Mucuc, ID. What do you do there?

Patricia: I'm an industrial DJ.

Edvard: Really? Are there industrial clubs in Idaho?

Patricia: There's one in Albiremme, where I'm a regular. But Spokane is not too far, so I perform occasionally at parties at Gonzaga.

Edvard: Is there a different atmosphere at parties on a college campus? Like, do you have a different type of crowd?

Patricia: Well, at the Off Centre, the crowd is basically college age, so there's really no difference. Except that the college kids are going to make something of themselves.

Edvard: Oooohhhhh! Taken down! Well, anyway, good to have you here. Let's have your first question.

Patricia: Hi Kendra.

Kendra: Hi.

Patricia: What do you do when somebody gets out of hand?

Edvard: Yes/no.

Patricia: What?

Edvard: Yes/no questions only.

Patricia: Oh, right. Sorry. Um... when somebody gets out of hand, do you ever get physical?

Edvard: Let's get physical! Physical!

[Pause.]

Edvard: Um... never mind. Kendra?

Kendra: I have on occasion.

Edvard: Okay, so that's three down, fifteen to go. And I'd like to take this moment to apologise to everyone for what just happened, especially Olivia Newton-John. Anyway, let's say hi to Julius.

Julius: Hi Edvard.

Edvard: What do you do?

Julius: I am a copy editor for a local society newspaper.

Edvard: Society newspaper?

Julius: That's right. We publish weekly issues detailing activities in society in the Regina area.

Edvard: Okay. And what is the strangest activity in society in the Regina area you've reported on?

Julius: Well, a couple of years ago there was a mini-film festival to honour the name Regina, as well as, you know, what it rhymes with. So, they showed footage from The Vagina Monologues, and commercials for Crest toothpaste, and they showed that one Seinfeld when the girl whose name is not Mulva.

Edvard: Terrific. Well, Julius, how about a question?

Julius: Kendra, did the guy in Chicago ever threaten you?

Kendra: He was using all that foul language in front of our kids! He –

Edvard: But Julius's question is, did he threaten you specifically at any time?

Kendra: Well, not me specifically, but –

Edvard: So, no. Four down, fourteen to go. Al, hi.

Al: Hi Edvard.

Edvard: What do you do?

Al: I'm an intellectual property attorney.

Edvard: And it says here that you can dance with your elbow.

Al: That's right, Edvard.

Edvard: What's that about?

Al: Well, you see, I went to a couple of wedding receptions, and someone said that my dancing was totally without rhythm, except for my elbow. So, ever since then, I dance only with my elbow.

Edvard: Great. Well, do you want to ask your next question?

Al: Sure. Did that Axelrod guy touch you?

Kendra: Well, there was a lot going on there. See, he was using that dirty language with all these kids around, and –

Edvard: But did he touch you?

Kendra: Well, he didn't, but...

Edvard: So that will be a no. Five down, thirteen to go. Patricia, back to you.

Patricia: Okay. Kendra, was the guy drunk?

Edvard: Going right at the heart of the matter, then. Kendra, was he drunk?

Kendra: I thought he clearly was.

Edvard: The question wasn't what you thought. Was he or wasn't he?

Kendra: I told you, I thought he was.

Edvard: Well, he said he wasn't, as did many of the fans in the area.

Kendra: Well then, they're all damn fools. They don't know what the hell happened.

Edvard: In any case, that's six down, twelve to go. Julius, back to you.

Julius: Kendra, do you have something against Canada?

Kendra: Nothing at all. Antonio and I had a great time in Toronto. It's just, we wanted to make sure we raised our kids American.

Edvard: Okay. Seven down, eleven to go. Al?

Al: Do people swear at you when you go to games in other cities besides Chicago?

Kendra: Oh, all the damn time. Sometimes even at home games. I don't know why the hell I'm such a profanity magnet. It's –

Edvard: So your answer will be yes, then.

Kendra: Yeah.

Edvard: Well then, you can just say that. Eight down, ten to go as we move back down to Patricia.

Patricia: You said that guy wasn't threatening you, but did you ever feel threatened?

Kendra: By him? That wuss? He was such a pussy. He ain't never gonna threaten nobody.

Edvard: So, no. That's nine down, nine to go. We're midway through, and we haven't yet nailed down Kendra's Schmilblick, which today is what she did to get into the scuffle with a Chicago Bulls fan earlier in the week. So now we'll go Julius, and we'll ask you to give us another question.

Julius: Kendra, I heard something, and I'm going to ask you if it's true or not. A writer for a Toronto newspaper said that when Antonio was with the Raptors, you would leave him nasty messages any time you disagreed with one of his articles. Is that true?

Edvard: Interesting. Kendra, did you leave nasty messages to a Toronto writer?

Kendra: See, he had it coming! He's the one who always wrote stories like, "Antonio was dogging it last night", or "Antonio turned down a good look at the basket midway through the second quarter with not a whole lot of time on the shot clock"! They're the ones who –

Edvard: Kendra... Kendra. Did you leave nasty messages to a Toronto writer?

Kendra: You can call anything "nasty". I mean –

Edvard: Kendra. Nasty messages? Yes or no?

Kendra: Nobody would call those messages nasty. Not unless –

Edvard: Swear words?

Kendra: I may have cussed once or twice.

Edvard: Yes, then. Ten down, eight to go. Al, back over to you.

Al: Do you often stand in front of people and block their view of the game?

Kendra: Well, I don't do it just to block their view, but yeah, sometimes I have to, you know, just to let –

Edvard: So that has to be an affirmative response.

Kendra: Why are you making me look bad? Be a man and let me tell my side!

Edvard: Tell your side? What is this, Meet the Press? This is Adventures of the Schmilblick Patrol. That form you signed just before you came on? That explicitly says you don't have the right to tell your side on our programme. All you do is say yes or no. Understood?

Kendra: I don't have to take this shit from you! I'm married to an NBA player! Therefore I'm important! [shoves Edvard]

Antonio: [enters] What the hell are you doing to my woman?

Edvard: Security?

[Security escorts Kendra, Antonio away.]

Edvard: Believe it or not, that was the first disqualification in the history of our programme. That means our patrollers automatically win a trip to New York to join Kendra for a Knicks game. Whether you want to remains to be seen. So that's it for this week. This is Edvard van de Kamp, wishing you good tidings and better Schmilblicks. Good night everyone!