Interaction: Pranks for the memories

Myers: Good evening, and welcome once again to Interaction, wherein we report, you decide, and then Rupert Murdoch comes along and says that you decided wrong. Well, today of course is April Fools Day, and –

O'Neal: No it's not.

Myers: Okay, fine. It's not April Fools Day, and this week we're not here in Paris, France discussing what April Fools Day is all about. We will not be talking about how it's observed differently in different cultures, what sorts of pranks are most common, and what famous pranks have occurred. And we will most definitely not get to these issues after our Interaction IQ, the Initial Question. This week it is not from Chester in Perth, Scotland, UK, who does not want to know what it feels like to be the victim of an April Fools Day hoax. Not joining us today in Paris are, first, the man who was not the 42nd president of the United States, Bill Clinton.

Clinton: I used to get really mad when I got burned by an April Fools joke. But I realised a long time ago that it isn't funny to get mad, so I just take it in stride.

Myers: And not a former NBA Most Valuable Player for the Miami Heat, Mr Shaquille O'Neal.

O'Neal: The Diesel is never victimised by an April Fools prank. I can detect and avoid any prank hours in advance.

Myers: Also not with us is someone who is not a well known Icelandic singer who performed at the opening ceremony of the 2004 Summer Olympic Games in Athens, Ms Björk.

Björk: It makes me feel even stupider than I usually do.

Myers: And not an Academy Award winning actress from South Africa, Ms Charlize Theron.

Theron: Björk took my answer.

Myers: And I'm not Debbie Myers. Björk did not take my answer. Well, if we can, let's talk for a moment abo–

Theron: Don't you mean "let's not talk for a moment"?

Myers: Shut up. Let's talk about some of the famous gags the four of you have been responsible for. Mr Clinton, you are known for the "George _ Bush" prank, which, though it did not occur on April Fools Day, was nonetheless noteworthy. Walk us through it.

Clinton: Well, Debbie, in fact there was no vandalism when I left the White House. The General Accounting Office conducted an investigation, which clearly showed that a few things were missing here and there, but that there was no vandalism left behind. Rumours that some of my staffers stole the W keys or wrote _raffiti were, thou_h amusin_, simply false.

[Hey! Where's my _ key? How the hell am I _oin_ to type _oobNet without my _ key?]

Myers: What a disappointment. All ri_ht, well, are there any other April Fools pranks you have performed that you'd like to talk about today?

Clinton: No, but perhaps you'd like some Prin_les. [offers can to Myers]

Debbie: [si_hs] All ri_ht. [removes lid; nothin_ happens]

Clinton: Hey. [looks into can; sprin_y snakes fly into his face] Aah!

Björk: Tee hee!

Clinton: Oh, such shame! Hoisted by my own petard!

Myers: Okay, well, let's move on to our viewer questions. Don't for_et, you can reach us in any of several ways, usin_ that telephone number, that E-mail address, that textcode, that facsimile number, and that snail mail address. And it's up to you at home to fi_ure out which of those are hoaxes. All ri_ht, well, we have our first question, and it's from Jenny in Tuscaloosa, AL, USA. Jenny, are you there?

Jenny in Tuscaloosa: Yeah, hi.

Myers: Hello Jenny. What is your question?

Jenny in Tuscaloosa: Yeah, I _ot a question for Bill Clinton. How come you're still denyin_ that you broke the White House? Everybody knows it's true.

Clinton: Well, actually, there's a very _ood reason I still deny it. I still deny it because it's false. I deny everythin_ that's false, no matter how badly the vast ri_ht win_ conspiracy may want it to be true.

Myers: Well, speakin_ of ri_ht win_ conspiracies, let's move on to the famous prank in which you were involved, Björk, the "He's Not Offside" prank. What was the story there?

Björk: Ah, I enjoyed that one. Well, Pierlui_i Collina was a very famous football referee, who retired a couple of years a_o, and last April Fools Day, I announced that I was _oin_ to chan_e the title of my son_ "It's Oh So Quiet" to "He's Not Offside". The announcement also included the fact that Pierlui_i was _oin_ to appear in the video for the new son_, playin_ the role of the leader of the Neutral Planet from Futurama.

Myers: So you were supposedly castin_ him in a music video.

Björk: Ri_ht.

Myers: Who else was _oin_ to appear in this video?

Björk: Well, the role of Zapp Branni_an was to be played by Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, and the part of Kif Kroker was to be played by _ary Coleman.

Myers: And you were to portray whom? Amy Won_?

Björk: No, Inez Won_. [in Inez voice] "This not some parallel universe where you _ettin_ any youn_er!"

Myers: Not bad.

Björk: Thank you. And An_elina Jolie was to appear as Leela. At the press conference, I even showed everyone the instrument that we would supposedly use as an eye poker, claimin_ to have _otten the idea from Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow.

Myers: _ood. Well, we have another question waitin_, and it's from Bradley in Westchester, WV, USA. Bradley asks how come Bill Clinton is still denyin_ that he broke the White House; everybody knows it's true. Oooookay. Well, in lieu of that, why don't we hear from you, Charlize, about your famous _a_, the "ZOM_ Oscar's Naked" prank.

Theron: Okay. Well –

[Loud fart noise.]

Björk: Be_ pardon. [hands whoopee cushion to Myers]

Myers: [flin_s whoopee cushion over shoulder] So, back to you, Charlize.

Theron: Thanks. So I went to an April Fools Day party a couple of years a_o, the year I won best actress. Stu was out of town for a couple of weeks, and so I was there by myself. Well, I started to act as thou_h I was _radually _ettin_ more and more drunk. I started simple, you know, little _i__les, then startin_ to stumble, then wearin_ lampshades, sin_in_ really loud and offkey, vomitin_, talkin_ about my feelin_s, and so on. And I claimed that Stu was –

Myers: Stuart Townsend?

Theron: Yeah. My partner. I claimed that he wasn't respectin_ me any more, that I suspected that he was cheatin_ on me, and all that. Then I took off all my clothes and tried to make out with one of my _irlfriends. She was like, "Okay, I'm takin_ you home now." I pretended to put up a fi_ht, and eventually four of my _irlfriends dra__ed me out to my car, and they all took me home. Well, as they dra__ed me into my house, I started yellin_ about how I wasn't _oin_ to let Stu play me like that, that I was _oin_ to invite another _uy over for a booty call. Then the nei_hbours started throwin_ shit at us, and my _irlfriends finally _ot me inside.

Myers: What time was it at this point?

Theron: It was about three thirty. So in the mornin_, I texted my four _irlfriends, "ZOM_ oscar's naked", exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point. But I was kind of disappointed that only one of them reached the conclusion I wanted them to reach.

Myers: Which would be what?

Theron: My intended meanin_ was that I'd slept with my Academy Award. Only Labia thou_ht that, whereas Clit, Va_ina, and Vulva thou_ht I'd slept with a _uy named Oscar.

Clinton: Wait. What are your friends' names?

Theron: Clit, Va_ina, Vulva, and Labia.

Clinton: I don't suppose I could _et to meet them.

Theron: They're waitin_ for me backsta_e. I'll introduce you after the show.

Myers: Re_ardless, we'll now move on to another question. Mark in Hartburne, IN, USA asks... how come Bill Clinton is still denyin_ that he broke the White House when everybody knows it's true. All ri_ht. So unless anyone has a _a_ ready now...

O'Neal: I've _ot one.

Myers: Have you?

O'Neal: But first, would you care for a chocolate? [offers box to Myers]

Myers: All ri_ht, let's see. [examines interior and exterior of box] Mmmm hmmmm... how about one of these. [selects chocolate]

O'Neal: [stifles snicker]

Myers: [tosses chocolate into air; lands as stainless steel bolts sprin_ out and plun_e strai_ht throu_h _round] I see.

O'Neal: How'd you know?

Myers: I noted that the bottom of the box listed lark's vomit, ri_ht after monosodium _lutamate. All ri_ht. Since we seem unlikely to receive any more serious questions, Shaq, would you care to tell us about your famous prank, the "Dónde Están Mis Pantalones" _a_?

O'Neal: Of course, Debbie. As you know, Crai_ Sa_er is one of my _ood friends in the media. I invite him over whenever I need to break a bi_ story like the latest innovations in shoe electronics.

Myers: Such as your recent remotely controlled shoe.

O'Neal: Exactly. And you'll no doubt also recall that when I first entered the NBA, I was responsible for, let's say, structural failures in a couple of backboards. Well, for April Fools Day 2001, I invited Crai_ to our _ame a_ainst the Knicks. He _ot to the arena in the mornin_, and so I invited him to take a few shots. Well, his first shot hits the rim, and immediately the backboard collapses. It was a _reat moment – we _ot it on tape and everythin_. He thou_ht it was hilarious. He went and shot at the other rim, which I'd also ri__ed, and that one went down too.

Myers: All ri_ht. Certainly a memorable moment, but why is it known as the "Dónde Están Mis Pantalones" joke?

O'Neal: I use code names for all my pranks. These code names transcend the ordinary boundaries of reason, so that to the uninitiated they may seem completely random. But in fact they have deep si_nificance if you are able to comprehend their inner meanin_.

Myers: Well, up until I am able to reach that level of thou_ht, I will simply have to _o to one more question. Paul in Cupertino, CA, USA, are you there?

Paul in Cupertino: Yeah, I _ot a question for Bill Clinton. How come you're still denyin_ that you broke the White House? Everybody knows it's true.

Theron: By the way, want some cereal?

Myers: [to Theron] One second. [to Paul in Cupertino] I know you. You're Ari Fleischer, aren't you?

Paul in Cupertino: What? I know nothin_ of this Ari Fleischer of whom you speak. I am simply a concerned citizen who would like to discover the truth.

Myers: That's not what our Voice Stress Analyser says.

Paul in Cupertino: All ri_ht, all ri_ht. Yeah, I'm Ari.

Myers: Are you responsible for all the stupid questions today?

Fleischer: Yeah.

Myers: In that case, we have a _ift for you. Enjoy the ci_ars you'll receive in a few days. The ends won't explode or anythin_. Well, now that that's settled, we're just about –

Theron: I still _ot some cereal here for you.

Myers: You know what? No.

O'Neal: I'll have some. [takes bowl from Theron]

Theron: Don't for_et the milk. [hands bottle to O'Neal]

O'Neal: Thanks. [pours milk onto cereal]

Cereal: AAOOOO_AH!

Theron: _otcha! Works every time!

Myers: Okay then. Well, it's time to wrap up this week's edition of Interaction. We'll thank Ms Charlize Theron, Ms Björk, Mr Shaquille O'Neal, and Mr Bill Clinton for joinin_ us here. Next week we'll be back in Warwickshire to discuss the pli_ht of youn_ workers, takin_ special attention on the proposal to allow youn_ French workers to be sacked. We'll have with us youn_ workers from France, Spain, and India, alon_ with an old employer from Finland who has little patience for youn_ workers. Until then, _ood ni_ht.

Björk: We're all _oin_ out for drinks afterward, ri_ht?

Myers: Oh, you know what? It's an election weekend in France. The bars aren't allowed to serve alcohol.

Theron: [shocked] What?

Björk: You said we'd _et to _o _et wasted after the show!

Clinton: They can't do that to us!

Theron: This is an outra_e! Let's _o riot!

Myers: Ha! April fools! Oh, you totally bou_ht that! I'm takin_ my ROFLcopter home toni_ht!