Schmilblick Patrol: Tiki Barber

Edvard: Hey! Hello! Thank you, everyone! Welcome to GoobNet’s Adventures of the Schmilblick Patrol, the game where this panel right here could walk away with some terrific prizes... and maybe a little bit of notoriety! We’ve got an interesting game tonight, so let’s get right to it and meet our participant. He’s in his tenth year in the NFL, he’s played in two Pro Bowls and a Super Bowl, and he’s been the league leader in total yards from scrimmage the last two years. Please welcome New York Giants running back Tiki Barber.

Tiki: Hi Edvard. Good to be here.

Edvard: It’s good to have you here, Tiki. Want to meet the patrollers?

Tiki: Let’s do it.

Edvard: Yes, let’s. From Charlotte, NC, USA, we have Tarence.

Tarence: Good evening.

Edvard: We’ve got Brandi from Vienna, Austria.

Brandi: Hello.

Edvard: And Olivia from Boscobel, Jamaica.

Olivia: Hi Edvard.

Edvard: Welcome everyone. Tiki, would you tell us your Schmilblick?

Tiki: Sure. My Schmilblick is: What my ideal job would be after I retire from the NFL.

Edvard: Your ideal job after you retire from the NFL. Which you’re planning to do after this season, yes?

Tiki: That’s right.

Edvard: Okay. This one might be a bit tough, but I hope our patrollers can do it. If you can, you’ll each win a trip to New Jersey to witness Tiki in action against Houston in a week’s time. But if our patrollers can’t figure out your Schmilblick in eighteen queries, Tiki, you’ll win a trip to Boscobel to witness Olivia in action against Federica Houston in a week’s time. Not quite sure how you’ll work that into your schedule, but surely you’ll figure something out. Okay. Patrollers, are you ready?

Brandi: Yes.

Tarence: Ready.

Olivia: Ready.

Edvard: Tiki, are you ready?

Tiki: I’m ready, Edvard.

Edvard: Okay, let’s go on patrol! Tarence, you go first.

Tarence: Thanks Edvard. Hi Tiki.

Tiki: What’s up Tarence.

Tarence: Tiki, are you looking for a job in television?

Tiki: Yes, I am.

Edvard: Well, good start. You’ve got a particular industry singled out, and it’s one down and seventeen to go as we go on to you, Brandi.

Brandi: Hi Tiki.

Tiki: Hi Brandi.

Brandi: Do you want to work in American television?

Tiki: Well... sort of.

Edvard: Sort of. Well, okay. That’s two down, sixteen to go. But before the next question, let’s take a moment to get to know our patrollers. Olivia, hi.

Olivia: Hi Edvard.

Edvard: It’s good to have you on the programme. What do you do in Jamaica?

Olivia: I am a freelance journalist and an amateur tennis player.

Edvard: I see. And we mentioned earlier that next weekend you’ll be competing against Federica Houston. Is this in your capacity as a tennis player, or as a journalist?

Olivia: As a tennis player, you silly grass snake!

Edvard: Okay then. What – wait, say that again.

Olivia: What, “you silly grass snake”?

Edvard: That’s great. Okay. Olivia, what will your first question be?

Olivia: My first question is going to be: Tiki, do you want to be a commentator for gridiron football?

Tiki: No, I don’t.

Edvard: Really? Interesting. No American football commentating for Tiki, then, as we go to three down and fifteen to go. Tarence, hi.

Tarence: How are you, Edvard?

Edvard: Just fine, thanks. What do you do in Charlotte?

Tarence: I’m a high school science teacher.

Edvard: Really? Great. What sorts of science do you teach?

Tarence: I specialise in Earth sciences.

Edvard: Good. And it says here that you once led an unusual egg drop.

Tarence: That’s right, Edvard. A few years ago, I had a student named Ashley who felt that the way to ensure the egg’s safety was to reduce its rate of fall. Well, she used a system of helium balloons to increase the buoyancy and cause the egg to fall slowly. Well, she used just a little bit too much helium, and when she let go, the egg carrier hovered right in front of her face.

Edvard: Really?

Tarence: Yes. And that night a high pressure system moved in, and witnesses reported her egg carrier soaring into the sky.

Edvard: So did Ashley’s egg ever fall to the ground?

Tarence: That’s a great mystery. We may never know the answer.

Edvard: Good enough, then. Let’s have your next question, Tarence.

Tarence: Okay. Tiki, is the television job you’re looking for related to football in any way?

Tiki: Not directly, I would say.

Edvard: Not directly. Okay. That’s four down and fourteen to go. Brandi, hi.

Brandi: Hi Edvard.

Edvard: What do you do back in Vienna?

Brandi: I am an unmarried housewife.

[Pause.]

Edvard: How do you say oxymoron in German?

Brandi: Oxymoron. Same as English. Actually, I live with a friend and do the stuff a housewife usually does: cook, clean, take care of his son. So I like to say that I am an unmarried housewife, because we are just friends.

Edvard: Sure you are.

Brandi: We are! Nobody believes me when I tell them!

Edvard: All right, well, let’s hear your question.

Brandi: Tiki, you said you didn’t want to work in American television.

Tiki: Sort of.

Brandi: Sort of. Do you want to work in European television?

Tiki: Well... sort of.

Edvard: Okay. So that’s five down, thirteen to go. Back to you, Olivia.

Olivia: All right. Tiki, do you want to be a news anchor?

Tiki: I do, yes, but that’s not my Schmilblick.

Edvard: It’s not?

Tiki: It’s not. I mean, if a position on a news programme opened up, I’d be quite interested. But it isn’t my Schmilblick.

Edvard: Okay. So that’s six down and twelve to go. Tarence, let’s have another question from you.

Tarence: Sure. Tiki, would your ideal job involve appearing on TV live?

Tiki: No, it wouldn’t.

Edvard: So you wouldn’t be on live. A very good question, Tarence. It’s seven down and eleven to go, and we’re to you again, Brandi. You get another question.

Brandi: Tiki, would you want to be on something that the entire world can see?

Tiki: I would have to say yes.

Edvard: Interesting. You’d want the entire world to see you. So that’s eight down, ten to go. Olivia?

Olivia: So do you want to be on a show on the BBC?

Edvard: Another good question. Do you want to be on a BBC programme, Tiki?

Tiki: Well, again, I’d certainly be interested, but it isn’t my Schmilblick.

Edvard: Not even a guest appearance on EastEnders?

Tiki: Why, do you know somebody there?

Edvard: No, I was just saying. Anyway, that’s nine down and nine to go, and that means our panellists have used up half of their allotted questions. They’ll need to use the remaining half to discover Tiki Barber’s Schmilblick, which tonight is his ideal job after his retirement from the NFL. So we come around to you, Tarence. What will you ask?

Tarence: Tiki, is there a particular show you want to be on?

Tiki: Yes, there is.

Edvard: All right. Good. Ten down and eight to go. You folks have eight more questions to figure out which show. Over to you, Brandi.

Brandi: Is this show in English, Tiki?

Tiki: Yes, Brandi.

Edvard: Okay. Eleven down and seven to go. And it’s to you, Olivia.

Olivia: Tiki, do you want to be on a dramatic programme?

Tiki: It’s not a dramatic show, no.

Edvard: All right. Not a drama. That will make it twelve down and six to go. We’re running out of chances, Tarence. What can you do with your next question?

Tarence: I’m hoping I can do a lot, Edvard. Tiki, do you want to host a documentary of some sort?

Edvard: A documentary of some sort. And there are plenty of sorts of documentaries. So how about it, Tiki? Is that what you want to do?

Tiki: That’s a good opportunity for me, I think. But that’s not my Schmilblick either.

Edvard: Okay. So we know a lot of things that your Schmilblick isn’t. It’s thirteen down and five to go, Brandi. Can you get something that his Schmilblick is?

Brandi: I hope so. Tiki, do you want to be on a comedy show? That is, is your Schmilblick to appear on a comedy show?

Edvard: Good. We’re learning, right? We know he wants to be on any kind of show, but that his Schmilblick is to be on a particular show. So, is that particular show a comedy show?

Tiki: Well, sort of.

Edvard: Sort of.

Tiki: Right. The main point of the show isn’t comedy.

Edvard: Okay. So that will make it fourteen down and four to go. We need you, Olivia. What do you have?

Olivia: Tiki, I think maybe I have an idea what show you have in mind. So, would you appear on this show in the capacity of a host?

Tiki: Yes, I would.

Edvard: A host. Okay. Well, I think that will really help in our last round of questions. It’s fifteen down and three to go. There’s one more question for each of our patrollers. Tarence?

Tarence: Okay, Tiki. Is this show a game show?

Tiki: Yes, it is.

Edvard: I think he meant the one you’re thinking of, not the one we’re on now. No, seriously, that’s another good question, and it means we have two more questions to figure out which show it is. Sixteen down and two to go, Brandi. One more chance for you.

Brandi: Okay. Is it Deal or No Deal?

Tiki: No, it’s not.

Edvard: So Howie Mandel’s job is safe?

Tiki: Yup.

Edvard: Good.

Tiki: From me, anyway.

Edvard: All right, great. So that makes it seventeen down and one to go. The last question, Olivia. Can you do it?

Olivia: I think so. Tiki, do you want to host Adventures of the Schmilblick Patrol?

Tiki: That’s my ideal job, and that’s my Schmilblick.

Edvard: Well, that’s great! You did it, Olivia, and that means you and your fellow panellists will win – whaaaaaat?!

Tiki: Come on, Edvard. Don’t you want to be getting back to the museum full time?

Edvard: That’s a negative, Tiki.

Tiki: You’d better watch your back, Edvard. I talked to your boss when I got here today. He says he’s looking for a change.

Edvard: He can keep looking, as far as I’m concerned. I’ll have you know I’m going nowhere.

Tiki: Going nowhere fast, more like.

Edvard: Get out of here, you show wrecker you. Our patrollers got your Schmilblick, just barely, and that means they’re headed to the Meadowlands to see your game against Houston first hand. Congratulations, everyone. We’ll see you next time right here on GoobNet’s Adventures of the Schmilblick Patrol. I’m Edvard van de Kamp, wishing you good tidings and better Schmilblicks, and hoping I’ll still be here next week. Good night, everyone!