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WEEKLY WHINE

The GoobNetian dream

Last month, a game show about public opinion premiered in the US. Titled Power of 10, it asks contestants to guess the proportions of Americans who responded in a particular manner to a survey question. The programme is deceptively difficult: the first player won US$1,000,000, but no player since then has won more than US$10,000.

It may be difficult to guess the responses of the American public, but of course, it is even more difficult to guess the responses of smaller subgroups. For example, we took some of the same questions from Power of 10 and posed them to samples of GoobNet readers. The results may surprise you.

What percentage of female GoobNet readers consider themselves feminists?

  • Americans: 29%
  • GoobNet readers: 44%

What percentage of GoobNet readers have shaken hands with a US president?

  • Americans: 10%
  • GoobNet readers: 0%

What percentage of male GoobNet readers have flashed their middle finger at a fellow motorist whilst driving?

  • Americans: 58%
  • GoobNet readers: 97%
  • Discussion: Though Power of 10 did not ask this question of American women, we posed it to our female respondents. 90% of them have flashed their middle finger.

What percentage of GoobNet readers have asked themselves “What would Jesus do?” when trying to make a decision?

  • Americans: 54%
  • GoobNet readers: 0%
  • Discussion: 12% of GoobNet readers admitted that they have asked themselves “What would Satan do?”. Hence, the result would in fact be more like -12%.

What percentage of GoobNet readers said they’ve been picked last in a team sport at least once in their lives?

  • Americans: 41%
  • GoobNet readers: 100%

What percentage of GoobNet readers colour-coordinate their underwear with the rest of their clothes?

  • Americans: 15%
  • GoobNet readers: 4%
  • Discussion: The remaining 96% only own a single colour of underwear.

What percentage of GoobNet readers would rather be ugly and smart than good-looking and dumb?

  • Americans: 80%
  • GoobNet readers: 92%

What percentage of male GoobNet readers would leave their partner if she gained 100 pounds?

  • Americans: 33%
  • GoobNet readers: 60%
  • Discussion: The remaining 40% concluded that they would have no chance at finding another partner.

What percentage of GoobNet readers said in a duel with Dick Cheney, they would probably get shot by the US Vice President, instead of the other way around?

  • Americans: 43%
  • GoobNet readers: 85%

What percentage of GoobNet readers have spent more than US$100 on a pair of jeans?

  • Americans: 10%
  • GoobNet readers: 0%
  • Discussion: Most GoobNet readers don’t know what would make a pair of jeans worth that much. Correct answer: ass text.

What percentage of male GoobNet readers would go see the Spice Girls reunion tour if they were given free tickets?

  • Americans: 17%
  • GoobNet readers: 0%

What percentage of female GoobNet readers said they have dated an ugly guy because he was funny?

  • Americans: 33%
  • GoobNet readers: 68%

What percentage of GoobNet readers have had naughty pictures developed at a photo lab?

  • Americans: 8%
  • GoobNet readers: 0%
  • Discussion: GoobNet readers are more discreet than that. Their naughty pictures are taken with digital cameras and posted online immediately.

What percentage of female GoobNet readers would rather watch the Super Bowl on TV over the Academy Awards?

  • Americans: 54%
  • GoobNet readers: 92%

What percentage of GoobNet readers said George W Bush should have released Scooter Libby from his prison sentence?

  • Americans: 27%
  • GoobNet readers: 0%

What percentage of GoobNet readers would rather watch a hot dog eating contest over a 2008 US presidential debate?

  • Americans: 26%
  • GoobNet readers: 11%
  • Discussion: Actually, this is a fairly close approximation of the choices available to US television viewers.

What percentage of GoobNet readers think women in the military should not be allowed to fight in combat situations?

  • Americans: 33%
  • GoobNet readers: 4%
  • Discussion: That same 4% thought men in the military should not be allowed to fight in combat situations either.

What percentage of female GoobNet readers said they prefer chocolate to sex?

  • Americans: 41%
  • GoobNet readers: 63%
  • Discussion: The remaining 37% of female GoobNet readers have actually had sex.

What percentage of female GoobNet readers said they were tomboys whilst they were growing up?

  • Americans: 47%
  • GoobNet readers: 84%
  • Discussion: The remaining 16% beat up anyone who called them tomboys.

What percentage of GoobNet readers feel sympathy for Hollywood celebrities like Lindsay Lohan whose lives appear to be derailing?

  • Americans: 21%
  • GoobNet readers: 2%
  • Discussion: We would like to thank Lindsay’s mother and sister for reading GoobNet.

What percentage of female GoobNet readers have been asked if they were pregnant when they weren’t?

  • Americans: 27%
  • GoobNet readers: 11%
  • Discussion: Another 23% of female GoobNet readers said they were so skinny that people didn’t believe them when they were pregnant.

What percentage of GoobNet readers believe they are living the GoobNetian dream?

  • Americans: 47% [“American dream”]
  • GoobNet readers: 70%
  • Discussion: The GoobNetian dream, of course, is a cookie in every jar, and a fully developed, efficient, and affordable mass transportation system in every city.

What percentage of GoobNet readers think the world would be a better place if GoobNet ruled all of it?

  • Americans: 19% [“America ruled all of it”]
  • GoobNet readers: 86%
  • Discussion: Thank you for your confidence. The remaining 14% will be the first to die.

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