WEEKLY WHINE

Administrative notes

by Reginald J Goober

From time to time, things change. No matter what you may do to prevent this, someone else will inevitably wipe off your anti-change spray or reverse your status quo preserving device, thereby making them much less attractive ideas than when you first saw them in the Skymall.

Below we discuss a few things that are changing at GoobNet Enterprises Inc [which doesn’t actually exist however] and allow you to express your opinions about said changes.

NODE REALIGNMENT

The much discussed node realignment has finally begun. We have retired porthole.goobnet.net, Interaction, Commitment to Space, and SnakeBall. The sites themselves will continue to operate, though, to provide an opportunity for scholarly study. We look forward to a Columbia University professor, or at least a ZDNet blogger, writing a book titled The GoobNet Experiment: The Bizarre Tale of the Smartest and Footballiest Site on the Internet and Where It All Went Wrong.

THE NEW COMMITMENT TO SPACE

Even though Commitment to Space has technically been retired, our commitment to space remains as commitmented as ever. Before long, we will develop the new Commitment to Space, in which we will commit to more space than we did in the old one.

GAMING COORDINATOR

We are currently seeking to fill a new position of gaming coordinator. The many games and bonuses available on GoobNet have up to now been completely uncoordinated, but with the help of our new gaming coordinator, we expect to improve the coordination of our games. For more information on this opening, or to apply, please let us know at <goobnet‍@‍goobnet.net>.

SUPER FACTUAL ERROR

Congratulations to Wendy M Montgrove of West Portland, OR, USA, who found the Super Factual Error at 18:03:17 UTC on THU 19 MAR 2009. By discovering the Super Factual Error, which was that one of the many factual errors here on GoobNet was designated the Super Factual Error, she won 65,536 GoobNet Silly Bucks. This week, we selected a different factual error here on GoobNet and designated it the Super Factual Error. The first reader to find this new Super Factual Error will win 65,536 Silly Bucks.

HYPERSPEED DATING

The last two seasons of GoobNet Hyperspeed Dating have been roaring successes, in that the couple that won each season concluded the night either roaring at each other, or simply roaring drunk. The new season gets under way on THU 20 AUG 2009, with a number of new additions that will make this year of Hyperspeed Dating even more thrilling.

For instance, a special prize goes to any player who scores a perfect four points on a potential partner in the Matchmaker round. There is also a new game that will be played in the semifinal and final rounds, when the newly created couples will compete for a trip to a randomly selected island and everything else in the GoobNet prize package. All this and more is coming up on the new season of GoobNet Hyperspeed Dating.

VOMITOMETRY

Thanks to your efforts, the Vomitometer is operating with its highest accuracy yet. To date, 883 readers have sent vomitation images to us, and those images and accompanying descriptions of the circumstances have allowed us to calibrate the Vomitometer to an accuracy of 83%. But we can still do better. Send your images to us here at GoobNet, along with a description of the circumstances, and if it helps us improve the Vomitometer, you could win up to 16,384 GoobNet Silly Bucks!

HIGH STAKES CUBING

Be on the lookout for a new programme from GoobNet, High Stakes Cubing. This programme will allow the world’s best cubers to challenge one another to a variety of competitions involving their Rubik’s cubes. What is more, each participant will wager their own GoobNet Silly Bucks on each challenge. If you are one of the world’s best cubers and you believe that you have what it takes to succeed in High Stakes Cubing, we will find you.

ESSAY CONTEST

We are pleased to announce the first GoobNet Essay Contest. In this contest, we are looking for essays of between 2,000 and 10,000 words, of which at least 90% must be English, on any one of the following topics.

• Which is the most overrated preposition? Why?
• Al Franken, now a US Senator representing Minnesota, once wrote a book called Why Not Me?, a novel about his fictional presidency. However, the titular question was left unanswered: Why not Al Franken? Support your answer with a proof.
• Which celebrity, past or present, would make the best centaur, and what would you say to this celebrity to convince him or her of the need to become a centaur?

The winning essay in each category will receive 65,536 GoobNet Silly Bucks and a trip to the GoobNet Special Projects Enhancement and Enforcement Division [SPEED]’s 2010 convention in Tórshavn, Faroe Islands.