WEEKLY WHINE

Ambitious outcome

This document was intercepted from the second table from the back of the Starbucks at Fifth Street and Hamelford Avenue in Singapore, near the site of this week’s Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation meeting. It appears to be a draft of the meeting’s final declaration with comments from some of the member nations. As such, it provides intriguing insight into how a major international body reached its decisions. – DVH

RESOLUTIONS OF APEC 2009 SINGAPORE

1. As climate change is continuing rapidly with little to no action from the world community, we agree to reduce our greenhouse gas emissions to 50% of 2009 levels by 2050.

   CHINA PR: Can we get rid of the “50% of 2009 levels” part? And the “reduce” part?

   MALDIVES: Not a bad start. We recommend changing “50%” to “100%”.

   PHILIPPINES: Who the hell let the Maldives in?

2. We firmly reject all forms of protectionism and reaffirm our commitment to keep markets open and refrain from raising new barriers to investment or to trade in goods and services. We further insist that the rest of the world continue to buy inferior Chinese products instead of actually revitalising their own industrial capabilities.

   UNITED STATES: We don’t like that second sentence. We know it follows from the first, but we don’t want to say that in those words.

   THAILAND: Hey, don’t forget about us! We make inferior products too!

3. As the state of the global economy is a direct cause of a failure to properly regulate banking, we agree to introduce the firm regulations on derivatives trading that really should have been there to begin with, the separation of retail and investment banking that everyone seems to have forgotten about, and an overhaul of credit rating guidelines so that credit ratings accurately reflect the value of an organisation’s credit instead of just a label designed to make everyone feel good about the organisation.

   RUSSIA: We would like to add, “Furthermore, the United States must make payments to the rest of the world to compensate for all the lost jobs, lost share value, and lost opportunities that the rest of the world had nothing to do with.”

   MALAYSIA: Let’s add, “That means you, United States!”.

   PAPUA NEW GUINEA: We recommend adding, “Seriously, United States! What the fuck?”.

   UNITED STATES: We recommend removing the part about credit ratings, as well as the parts about banking and derivatives trading. The part about the global economy is also misleading. We recommend changing this resolution to “The state of the global economy is a direct cause of certain people who have been dealt with, so we don’t have to worry about it any more. Nothing to see here. These aren’t the droids you’re looking for. Move along.”

4. As a fully functioning entertainment industry is essential to the proper operation of a global economy, we agree that that thing that Kanye West did at the MTV Video Music Awards was totally out of line.

   SINGAPORE: Can we add something about how stupid all those rappers look when they wear shades indoors?