WEEKLY WHINE

Get set to know your world

With the amount of things that are presently going on, you might consider yourself in need of someone to make sense of it all for you.

Well then, you’re shit out of luck, aren’t you?

We have many experts on news here at GoobNet, but ironically, none of them serve at the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network, a network that broadcasts news at all times of the day. The people who do work at the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network are instead a bunch of people who tried to sleep their way to the top but failed. That is evident because the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network is obviously not at the top of anything, not least your television provider’s list of desired channels to add.

But to raise awareness of the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network and the wide variety of news topics it covers, here now is a peek at some of the items currently being covered by the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network.

HONDURAS ELECTION
Resolution to situation set to resolve nothing

TIGER WOODS CRASH
Elin set to club anyone who investigates

STS-129
Bresnik set to change many Urine Collection Devices

STATE DINNER CRASH
Secret Service set to explain themselves, unless that is itself a secret

HERSCHEL OBSERVES VY CANIS MAJORIS
Red hypergiant set to hyperexplode

DUBAI IN DEBT
Dubai World set to open E ticket stock ride

HAJJ CONCLUDES
Saudi Arabia set to install anticlockwise moving sidewalks

GENERIC BLACK FRIDAY STORY
Select store opening time: 05:00, 03:00, 00:00, never actually closed, other