WEEKLY WHINE

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Your life is affected by a great many things. Whether the new moon is Taurus, Aries, or Lepus is not one of them.

That’s right. It’s time once again for one of our very own Mixed Up Horoscopes. Would you like to know what is going to happen in your future? You can find out, but it all depends on which of the world’s major public parks is your favourite.

Remember: If your prediction turns out to be inaccurate, it’s not our fault. It’s your fault because you clearly have been going to the wrong park all this time.

GRANT PARK, CHICAGO, IL, USA
You are normally an interesting person and a prime example of all that things have to offer. But today there is an explosive confrontation with Faneuil Hall, affecting all Grant Parkians. So while you would normally want to be outgoing and effusive at this time of year, you should now lock yourself in your room and close the blinds, occasionally parting them slightly to peek out at passers by. You should also shift your gaze in a suspicious manner.

CENTRAL PARK, NEW YORK CITY, NY, USA
The Tavern on the Green is ascending into a conjunction with Columbus Circle, which to experienced bullshit artists astparkologers can indicate only one thing. You are the only person who realises that the name of Central Park must change to Uptown Park in the interest of geographic accuracy. So good luck, and fight the good fight.

NATIONAL MALL, WASHINGTON, DC, USA
You have frequented the Mall many times, believing it to be a place where you can play ultimate, read books, or try to count all the people going into the various Smithsonian institutions. But today the truth can be revealed. The Mall is actually a cover for a vast transdimensional gateway located within the Washington Monument reflecting pool. If you enter the pool and remain under the water for thirty minutes, you will end up in a location more exotic than the human mind can comprehend. Your lucky rally is a sane and/or scary one.

HYDE PARK, LONDON, ENGLAND, UK
You have quite a lot to say. But those ridiculous tattoos have got to go.

CHEONGGYECHEON, SEOUL, KOREA REP
You are a swimmer, but don’t go swimming everywhere there’s water. You should swim only in designated swimming places, like pools and holes. Your lucky numbers are 3 ± i/2.

PARQUE TRES DE FEBRERO, BUENOS AIRES, ARGENTINA
Tomorrow is not a good day for Tres de Febrerians. You will wake up in a different location than the place where you fall asleep. Unless, of course, you do not fall asleep. This is a known loophole in this prediction, and you should not attempt to exploit it. Seriously, we can’t stress enough how important it is not to try to remain awake for the next 24 hours, and under no circumstances should you try to do that. Wink.

VILLA ADA, ROME, ITALY
Your future is hazy. Ask your local council to do something about the air quality. Your lucky celebrity is that one who is in those commercials for that stuff. You know.

CHAMP DE MARS, PARIS, FRANCE
You don’t even see the tower any more. Which is ironic, because that’s how you will die: in a collision with a tourist riding the zip line down the tower.