WEEKLY WHINE

Summary of now

Have you ever noticed how things tend to just happen?

Yes, all around the world, events are occurring. It seems that we here at GoobNet, as concerned citizens of the Universe, can do nothing to stop it. So instead we are helping you make sense of it all.

Have you made sense of it all yet?

If not, please continue watching the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network. This television network broadcasts interesting information about the news that matters to you. Yes, you, Charlene A Panwaddie of Holseter Creek, WA, USA. We are talking directly to you.

Sorry, Taiguan Ho of Sydney, NSW, Australia. We understand that you believed that we have been talking directly to you all these years. We were in fact talking to Charlene; you just happened to receive the broadcasts in your sleep. Have your crazy upstairs neighbours turn off their secret dream transmission device, or at least ask them to change it to something besides the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network. May we suggest that one Youtube video with the duck that does the silly thing. You know the one, right? Yeah. That one’s fucking awesome.

Anyway, for everybody else, here are the continuing stories that you will currently see on the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network.

CRISIS IN MALI
Rebels seize Timbuktu, make rest of world aware that Timbuktu is real place

US-AFGHANISTAN PARTNERSHIP
Afghans to take lead on night raids, US still to lead pub crawls

REPUBLICAN PRIMARY CAMPAIGN
Romney sets record as world’s slowest inevitability

TITANIC MEMORIAL CRUISE
Passengers claim to be king of world – actual king of world [Rupert Murdoch] not present

BEE COLONY COLLAPSE WATCH
Pesticides’ fault? Or just not enough bee Kwanzaa?

NHL PLAYOFFS
Vancouver take Presidents’ Trophy, hoping for Stanley and Rioters’ Cups

CHRISTIANS CELEBRATE EASTER
Rest of us hide eggs, have some candy

GENERIC CELEBRITY NEWS
Select reason for newsmaking: different hair style, different evening companion, different mass, other