WEEKLY WHINE

The Earthican chronicles

Whoa! Did you see that?

Of course you didn’t. You’re not watching the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network.

We can be sure that you’re not watching the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network because you’re reading GoobNet. You cannot possibly read GoobNet and watch the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network at the same time. The human mind simply cannot cope with that enormous volume of information at such a high rate.

You may now be wondering: “But GoobNet, surely there are some exceptional human minds out there that are capable of both reading GoobNet and watching the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network at the same time. Isn’t it awfully presumptuous of you to assume that I am merely an ordinary human and not one of the exceptional human minds out there that is capable of both reading GoobNet and watching the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network at the same time?”

So wait. You really think you are one of those exceptional human minds out there that is capable of both reading GoobNet and watching the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network at the same time? Does your hubris know no bounds?

You may now be saying: “Wait a minute, GoobNet. I never said that.”

No, but you certainly thought it loudly.

You may now be stammering: “That’s... that’s not fair, GoobNet. Maybe it’s not true for me in particular. But out of more than seven billion humans on this planet, you don’t think there are any that are capable of both reading GoobNet and watching the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network at the same time?”

No, we don’t think that there are no humans that are capable of both reading GoobNet and watching the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network at the same time. We know that there are no humans that are capable of both reading GoobNet and watching the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network at the same time.

You may now be asking: “How can you make such a broad statement, GoobNet? Have you actually done experiments with exceptionally bright people who tried to both read GoobNet and watch the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network at the same time?”

Sure. What do you think happened to Ray Bradbury?

You may now be exclaiming: “Whoa! What the fuck, GoobNet? That’s totally fucking disrespectful! I expect better out of you!”

You do? Seriously?

You may now be admitting: “All right, maybe not. But still, GoobNet, that’s over the line.”

Yeah, we guess you’re right. We would like to apologise to the Bradbury family. There was no reason for us to do that. But there was also no reason for you to swear at us like that.

You may now be questioning: “What? Me? You swear like that all the goddamn time, GoobNet!”

Yes, but not during the mourning period for one of the greatest science fiction writers in the history of science, fiction, and writing.

You may now be scoffing: “No, but you can make outrageous suggestions as to the circumstances of his death. Hypocritical much, GoobNet?”

Okay, that’s enough out of you.

You may now be smirking: “And just how do you propose to punish me, GoobNet?”

We will punish you by not letting you view this week’s Whine.

You may now be deadpanning: “Yeah, that’ll teach me.”

Shut up and just read these graphics for the continuing stories that the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network is currently covering.

SPANISH EMERGENCY LOAN
IMF to make it rain in Spain; money to be shipped mainly by plane

SHENZHOU 9 ANNOUNCED
China PR’s first manned docking to be followed by China PR’s first Fred Haise pressure valve gag

GOV WALKER UNRECALLED
Wanted to put “Total Unrecall”, but couldn’t find picture of three breasted protester

EURO 2012 KICKS OFF
Local hotels offering special rates of 2,012 euros

MICROBES FOUND IN HARSH ENVIRONMENT
Volcanoes on Chile-Argentina border just like Mars: feature a rock formation that NASA denies looks like a face

LINKEDIN HACKED
Users whose accounts were compromised responded: “Wait, I still have a Linkedin account?”

I’LL HAVE ANOTHER SCRATCHED
Union Rags in shocking Single Crown win

GENERIC US PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN NEWS
Select rumour: Romney selecting running mate, selected running mate not interested, selected running mate unsure as to vice president’s role, other