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NO TWELVE HOUR TIME PERMITTED BEYOND THIS POINT

WEEKLY WHINE

Wherein the GoobNet SPEED considers the future of Dave Beckham

Rich: All right everyone, let’s bring it in.

Jhonny: Bring what in?

Rich: Your rice.

Wen: What? My rice?

Rich: Yeah. Bring it in.

Wen: In what?

Rich: Oh, just bring the damn thing in.

Nina: I think he means bring it into your mouth.

Wen: Oh. Then I’m way ahead of you.

Rich: Actually, that wasn’t what I meant.

Wen: Too late. I’m already bringing it into my mouth. Come here, rice! Om nom nom nom nom!

Jhonny: [Scottish accent] Get in my belly!

Gaby: So what crazy ass project do you have for us this week?

Rich: Well, do you remember our meeting from when Dave Beckham first arrived at the Los Angeles Galaxy?

Gaby: Maybe.

Wen: That was the one about stepping up to the BeckhaMicrophone and leaving a BeckhaMessage for BeckHimself.

Gaby: And something about BeckhaMarriages too, right?

Wen: Yeah. If you and your fiancé are both BeckhaManiacs, you could have a BeckhaMarriage.

Nina: That was also the day Jeremy left.

Gaby: Oh shit! You’re right!

Jhonny: Who’s that?

Rich: Dude who was here before you.

Jhonny: Oh. Why’d he leave?

Gaby: He was a fucking Chiva.

Jhonny: He was? Really?

Gaby: Yeah.

Jhonny: Like, Chivas Mexico, or Chivas USA?

Gaby: Chivas USA.

Jhonny: Poor bastard.

Gaby: Yeah. So we kicked him out.

Jhonny: Really? Needed to get the guy some help. Get him into, like, a twelve step programme.

Nina: Twelve goal programme.

Jhonny: What?

Gaby: Why twelve goal?

Nina: That’s how many they scored all season.

Gaby: Ohhhhhhhh!

Jhonny: Burrrrrrn!

Wen: Really? Only twelve goals the whole season?

Nina: Well, like, twenty or something. Still last in the league.

Wen: I’ll look it up. Hang on.

Rich: In the meantime, there is something I wanted to bring up.

Jhonny: You don’t want to keep talking about the Chivas?

Gaby: Less said about them, the better.

Wen: Twenty four.

Nina: Twenty four goals? All year?

Wen: Yeah, they suck. Last in the league. By far.

Jhonny: Why do they exist again?

Rich: All right, look. We’re here to talk about Beckham.

Nina: Who?

Rich: Beckham.

Nina: Who?

Rich: Didn’t we do this joke last time?

Nina: Probably.

Rich: We need to help him find a new challenge in life.

Jhonny: He’s not done playing football yet, though.

Gaby: Yeah. Doesn’t he still want to play someplace else?

Nina: He’s going to Paris, right?

Jhonny: No, he’s not gonna go there.

Nina: I heard he was.

Jhonny: They wanna sign him, sure. But he turned them down last year, and he’s gonna turn them down again this year.

Nina: Then where is he going?

Jhonny: Probably back to England.

Gaby: Really?

Jhonny: Yeah. He’s said a few times that he wanted to come back to England eventually. And it would be awesome for him if he could come back to Manchester United to finish his career.

Rich: Think they’d want him back?

Jhonny: They’d sign him, sure. They just wouldn’t play him.

Gaby: Why not?

Jhonny: No room. They already have their squad.

Rich: Okay, but still. We’re looking for other challenges once his playing career is over.

Nina: Is that what we’re looking for?

Wen: He’s gonna own an MLS team.

Gaby: He is?

Wen: Yeah. That’s been in his contract since he first came to the Galaxy. Once he retires, he can be part owner of a team.

Gaby: So he could own the Galaxy?

Jhonny: Well, not the Galaxy. The Galaxy owner’s not selling. But probably an expansion team.

Nina: Wait. The Galaxy owner is selling, right?

Rich: Yeah. Anschutz sold off his company.

Nina: Yeah. See? Beckham could buy the Galaxy.

Rich: Yeah, but maybe not for a couple of years. So we need to find him a challenge to occupy him until then.

Gaby: How about raising his kids?

Rich: I’m sure they have people for that.

Jhonny: He could be Vickie’s agent.

Nina: Write a book?

Gaby: Be in Bend It Like Beckham 2?

Wen: He could become a referee.

Gaby: Ooh. That’s good.

Wen: You can see the tabloid headlines when he blows a call: “Bend the Rules Like Beckham”.

Nina: Host a game show?

Rich: What kind of game show?

Jhonny: Like, a football quiz show?

Nina: No, I got it. A reality show where he teaches youth players to bend their free kicks.

Jhonny: Ahhhhh! I like it!

Nina: [London accent] Good evening. I’m David Beckham, and welcome to Bend It Like Me!

Wen: [London accent] Here’s your challenge for this week. I’d like you all to meet Hilario Grajeda. Whoever can hit him in the head from 35 yards out in the fewest attempts gets free valet parking at the Home Depot Center.

Rich: Ha! Well done!

Wen: Yeah, that’s cool, Nina. We totally have to make that show.

Rich: Yeah. I’ll get on it. Maybe Debbie wants to cohost.

Wen: I don’t think she will.

Gaby: Really? Why not?

Wen: She’s not what you would call a BeckhaManiac.

Gaby: A BeckHater?

Wen: Not exactly. Just not that crazy about him.

Gaby: BeckhaMeh?

Wen: Yeah, that’s it.

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