WEEKLY WHINE

Because helmetball is not nearly silly enough

In collegiate American football, the championship tournaments are the most exciting time of the year. Many will watch with bated breath to see whether North Dakota State University or Towson University will be the national champion.

Alternatively, if you only acknowledge the national champion determined in the Bowl Championship Series, you will watch with bated breath to see whether Florida State University or Auburn University will be the national champion.

But as you know, 35 bowl games are not enough. There are nine bowl eligible teams that are not participating in a bowl: Central Michigan University, Florida Atlantic University, University of Louisiana-Monroe, San Jose State University, University of South Alabama, Texas State University, University of Toledo, Troy University, and Western Kentucky University.

You will no doubt recall that had collegiate American football incorporated the plan proposed by our very own GoobNet Agency for Reintroducing Relegation to Recreational Game Hierarchies, the problem of not enough bowl games would be solved. The sixteen conference champions would be participating in the playoffs, the worst two teams in each conference would be participating in the relegation playoffs, and all other teams would be participating in bowl games.

Note that it is theoretically possible that there will not be enough bowl games to go around. However, under our plan, 80 First Division teams would have no playoff participation each season. This would therefore require 40 bowl games, only a slight increase from the 35 to be played this season. Suddenly, the possibility of all First Division teams playing in the postseason is looking increasingly likely.

And if there are not enough locations willing to step up and create those extra five bowl games, we here at GoobNet are happy to help. Recall that our plan calls for the establishment of our very own GoobNet Silly Bowl, to be played in a randomly selected location between two randomly selected teams. But we are willing to create a total of five Silly Bowls if needed.

So why not do the same thing this year? There are nine remaining bowl eligible teams, but let’s give one remaining team the chance to participate in a bowl game. We recommend Miami University of Ohio, for the simple reason that they were probably the worst team in Division I-A this year.

With that decided, here is the schedule for this year’s GoobNet Silly Bowl Series:

• THU 26 DEC 2013: San Jose St-LA Monroe, Saint-Paul-de-Montminy, QC, Canada
• FRI 27 DEC 2013: C Michigan-FL Atlantic, Niagara Falls, NY, USA
• SAT 28 DEC 2013: Toledo-S Alabama, Los Angeles, CA, USA
• MON 30 DEC 2013: Texas St-W Kentucky, Bronx, NY, USA
• TUE 31 DEC 2013: Troy-Miami [OH], Harrisburg, PA, USA

This lineup of exciting games is sure to capture the imagination of any sports fan. We hope you will agree that this year’s GoobNet Silly Bowl Series is certain to live up to the name.