WEEKLY WHINE

Gaze into the future and stump Edvard

What is going to happen in 2014?

And more importantly, is it going to make any sense?

Well, your favourite person to answer this sort of question, “Dynamite Eating” Edvard van de Kamp, knows the answer. And it is, as you suspected, no.

But, just for fun, Edvard is going to answer your questions about this upcoming year. If you would like to know what is going to happen this year, you have two ways to find out. First, you can send a question to Edvard. Second, you can wait about 365 days, and the answer will be made apparent to you.

Dear Edvard: Will Brazil finish all of the stadiums for the World Cup, or will some of the games have to move?

– Dan Simonovic
Cowdenbeath, England, UK

Dear Dan: The stadiums will be finished. Sepp Blatter will not be happy about it, but they will all be done by March or so.

Dear Edvard: Russia has released a number of political prisoners. Does this represent an opening of Russian society, or is this merely a publicity stunt in advance of the Sochi Olympics?

– Misha Tendenkhov
Kaliningrad, Russia

Dear Misha: It appears to be a little of both. Russian society is opening ever so slightly. However, the government has clearly been waiting to pardon these people at what it considers the right time.

Dear Edvard: Within the last couple of weeks, courts have decided that the NSA’s mass surveillance programme is either legal or illegal. Which is it?

– Naomi Aishranya
Seattle, WA, USA

Dear Naomi: It is legal, because US law does not have the same type of privacy protections that most other democratic nations have. As district judge William Pauley wrote, “When a person voluntarily conveys information to a third party, he forfeits his right to privacy in the information.” This perfectly summarises the problem with US law: when you give information about yourself to others, you have no say in what they do with the information. You have no legal recourse, even if an organisation has a privacy policy but violates it.

Those who are opposed to privacy often argue that if you want to maintain control over your information, you should not give it out. This is clearly wrong, because it results in a system with only two choices: broadcasting your every move to the entire world, or living as a hermit.

Americans need to amend their constitution to codify their right to privacy. The 28th Amendment could read something like: “The right of control over personal information is always held by the person that is the subject of the information.”

Dear Edvard: What the hell is going on with Doctor Who? Is Gallifrey time locked in the Time War, or isn’t it? Is the Twelfth Doctor really the Thirteenth Doctor? Or maybe even the Fourteenth Doctor? And just how old is the Doctor now?

– Odika Jefferson
Waterboat, IL, USA

Dear Odika: No, he’s still the Twelfth Doctor. It goes: First, Second, Third, Fourth, Fifth, Sixth, Seventh, Eighth, Eight and a Halfth, Ninth, Tenth, Eleventh, Twelfth. As for his age, I suggest trying not to think about it in those terms. Age is just a number, especially for the Doctor.

And don’t get me started on the whole “entering your own timeline” thing.

Dear Edvard: Do you like the new kits that have come out for next year’s World Cup?

– Jim Gaasbeek
Zwolle, Netherlands

Dear Jim: Most of them are okay. Especially Russia’s kits, which are based on space travel and have Yuri Gagarin’s famous exclamation “Poyekhali!” on the back collar. But I hate the sight of Germany in all white. Though admittedly, being Dutch, I hate the sight of Germany regardless of what they are wearing.

Dear Edvard: I have decided not to attend the Winter Olympics to be held in Sochi. Was this the right decision, or am I just validating Vladimir Putin’s attitude against Western nations?

– Joachim Gauck
Berlin, Germany

Dear Joachim: You made the right decision. Russia has severe problems with respect to humans rights, and you are right to call attention to that fact.

Dear Edvard: The groups for next year’s World Cup were very uneven. Is there a better way to draw the teams?

– Louis Van Gaal
Amsterdam, Netherlands

Dear Louis: I thought you’d never ask. First, here are the 32 nations that qualified for the 2014 Men’s World Cup, along with their FIFA rankings as of OCT 2013 [the criteria that FIFA used to decide the seedings] and their results at the last three tournaments. I’ve given one point for qualifying and then an additional point for each additional round reached. Thus, the third and fourth placed teams each get four points, the second placed team gets five points, and the champion gets six points. More recent tournaments are worth more: 2006 is worth double, and 2010 is worth triple.

Team	2002	2006	2010	Pts	Ranking
Algeria	×	×	Group phase	3	32
Argentina	Group phase	Quarterfinals	Quarterfinals	16	3
Australia	×	Round of 16	Group phase	7	57
Belgium	Round of 16	×	×	2	5
Bosnia-Herzegovina	×	×	×	0	16
Brazil	Champion	Quarterfinals	Quarterfinals	21	11
Cameroon	Group phase	×	Group phase	4	59
Chile	×	×	Round of 16	6	12
Colombia	×	×	×	0	4
Costa Rica	Group phase	Group phase	×	3	31
Côte d’Ivoire	×	Group phase	Group phase	5	17
Croatia	Group phase	Group phase	×	3	18
Ecuador	Group phase	Round of 16	×	5	22
England	Quarterfinals	Quarterfinals	Round of 16	15	10
France	Group phase	Second	Group phase	14	21
Germany	Second	Third	Third	25	2
Ghana	×	Round of 16	Quarterfinals	13	23
Greece	×	×	Group phase	3	15
Honduras	×	×	Group phase	3	34
Iran	×	Group phase	×	2	49
Italy	Round of 16	Champion	Group phase	17	9
Japan	Round of 16	Group phase	Round of 16	10	44
Korea Rep	Fourth	Group phase	Round of 16	12	56
Mexico	Round of 16	Round of 16	Round of 16	12	24
Netherlands	×	Round of 16	Second	19	8
Nigeria	Group phase	×	Group phase	4	33
Portugal	Group phase	Fourth	Round of 16	15	14
Russia	Group phase	×	×	1	19
Spain	Quarterfinals	Round of 16	Champion	25	1
Switzerland	×	Round of 16	Group phase	7	7
United States	Quarterfinals	Group phase	Round of 16	11	13
Uruguay	Group phase	×	Fourth	13	6

As you can see, this is a much more sensical way to rank the teams. Why should Belgium and Colombia, who failed to qualify for the last two tournaments, be seeded instead of Italy and the Netherlands, who have each made the final of one of the last two tournaments?

Based on this scoring system, the seeded teams would be Spain, Germany, Brazil, Netherlands, Italy, Argentina, Portugal, and England. Just like that, Groups B, D, and G have become impossible. All you have to do is repeat the draw with these seeds, and you’ll come back with a much more sensical result.

Dear Edvard: Why do they always build a stadium for the Winter Olympics when they only use it for the opening and closing ceremonies?

– Tay Suhurette
Vinceberg, CT, USA

Dear Tay: Because they’re dumb.