WEEKLY WHINE

Come right in, Magic

Join us for a moment as we talk about sport.

Of course, many people like to talk about sport for more than just a moment. If you are such a person, we have just the thing for you: something else.

Yes, we here at GoobNet have been trying for many years to start up a network that complements the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network. This new network would also use television to present live satellite programming, but the programming that uses television that this new network would present live via satellite would concentrate entirely on sport. And most of that sport would be football.

But because we are still limited to just the one network that broadcasts programming that uses television live via satellite, we can talk about sport on the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network for only a moment at a time. Once that moment has elapsed, the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network must proceed to other topics, such as whom should receive the blame for the sinking ferry. [Correct answer: All of them.]

But during those moments, you can expect us to discuss a number of topics that are currently making news in the world of sport. Here are those topics, and the words we will display live on your television screen using programming transmitted via satellite, when we talk about them.

BOSTON MARATHON
Boston remains strong, Natick remains free of Twinkies

DONALD STERLING ON TAPE
Clippers owner caught speaking out against blacks, Instagram, common decency

PREMIER LEAGUE TITLE HUNT
Feeling of Schadenfreude palpable in Manchester

NORTHWESTERN VOTES ON UNIONISATION
Results to be announced after lengthy legal battle, by which time players will have graduated and will be attorneys representing their successors

NHL PLAYOFFS BEGIN
Rest of America to pay attention only for multiple OT games

NBA PLAYOFFS BEGIN
Rest of Brooklyn to pay attention only when other general managers talk shit about city

BRUYNEEL SUSPENDED 10 YEARS
Lance Armstrong’s former manager: Suspend all of us!

COUNTDOWN TO BRAZIL
Select reason for panic: stadiums not done, tickets not sold, favelas not invisible, other