WEEKLY WHINE

Outward movement

There are currently twenty managers in the English Premier League. But they should all be sacked. Why?

There now follows a ranking of these twenty managers and the reasons for their respective sackings.

1. Sam Allardyce: He has repeatedly promised to play a more attractive style of football, but in the end, West Ham under Allardyce has been more of the same. Earlier this season, José Mourinho called Allardyce’s long ball approach “football from the 19th century”.
2. Alan Pardew: Pardew’s lack of discipline is legendary. This season alone, Pardew had a run in with Manuel Pellegrini and then headbutted Hull City’s David Meyler. What’s worse, his players are also misbehaving: two of them were sent off yesterday in Newcastle’s loss to Liverpool. Pardew is clearly an unstable danger to society.
3. Paul Lambert: What self respecting club would retain a manager who does not want to win the FA Cup or maintain possession?
4. Pepe Mel: West Brom are a club in disarray. They need someone who can array the team, but with only three wins in seventeen matches, Mel is not that person.
5. Neil Adams: The results speak for themselves: Norwich were out of the drop zone when Adams took charge. Now they are not.
6. Mauricio Pochettino: If you can’t order a cheesesteak at Geno’s, you can’t manage a Premier League club. Mauricio, it’s time to stop hiding behind your translator.
7. Mark Hughes: To determine how successful Hughes has been at Stoke City, just look at December and January. The club lost 5-1 to Newcastle, and three Stoke men – including Hughes himself – were sent off. Then in January, with the club clearly needing additional support, Hughes picked up a grand total of one player. And it was an exchange, so in net terms, he added zero players.
8. Ole Gunnar Solskjær: Newly red and black, Cardiff City would seem a natural fit for Manchester United legend Solskjær. But with 42 goals conceded in 21 matches in charge, the Bluebirds were moving in the wrong direction under his leadership.
9. Ryan Giggs: Giggs has been Manchester United’s manager for nearly three weeks now, and in that time, the club have won no major trophies. Sir Alex Ferguson would have won the title, the FA Cup, the Community Shield, and the Champions League. He also would have slipped out one night and led Grimsby Town to the FA Trophy, because he’s Sir Alex Ferguson.
10. Tim Sherwood: Sherwood played three and one half seasons with Tottenham but left in 2003 after a falling out with manager Glenn Hoddle. What is more, he is an admitted Arsenal supporter. Such a person should never manage Spurs.
11. Garry Monk: Monk took over a twelfth placed team. Now, at the end of the season, Swansea are still twelfth. Monk clearly accomplished nothing whatsoever.
12. Steve Bruce: You may have taken Hull to the FA Cup final, but that was a gift: you only had to defeat one other Premier League club to do so. Go back to your novels, Brucie.
13. Felix Magath: Magath returned to the dugout after two years, but with a lack of results for relegated Fulham, it is clear that he is out of his German comfort zone.
14. Gus Poyet: He may have kept Sunderland safe and led them to the League Cup final, but just look at Poyet’s first and last matches in charge this season: two losses to Swansea. Do we need to say anything more?
15. Tony Pulis: Pulis did a wonderful job leading Crystal Palace to a midtable finish. But he has never managed a team that finished a season higher than second. Palace need someone who can lead them higher.
16. José Mourinho: Why should José Mourinho be sacked? Because he is José Mourinho.
17. Roberto Martínez: Why should Roberto Martínez be sacked? Because he is not David Moyes.
18. Arsène Wenger: Sure, he sounds like the right man for the Arsenal job. But nearly his club’s entire roster is made up of foreigners. Only five of the 28 players on the squad are English. He has more French players than English players. Clearly he should go back to France.
19. Brendan Rodgers: Second place, and 101 goals scored, is normally a massive achievement for a Premier League club. But Liverpool were in first place for most of the season. Rodgers choked when it matters.
20. Manuel Pellegrini: You might be asking, “Why would you sack a title winning manager?” The question should be, “Why would you sack a manager who has not yet won the title?” Pellegrini has led Manchester City to the League Cup and the Premier League title. Obviously he has nothing more to accomplish.