WEEKLY WHINE
As you know, this year’s Tour de France has just completed. Vincenzo Nibali has won the general classification with the lowest total time for the entire competition.
There are four jerseys awarded at the Tour de France. The yellow jersey goes to the winner of the general classification, the green to the winner of the points classification for sprinting, the polka dotted to the winner of the mountains classification, and the white to the winner of the young rider classification for those 25 and younger.
But that leaves 194 riders who are forced to wear their normal jerseys. Surely there are other classifications that should be awarded. We asked the GoobNet Special Projects Enhancement and Enforcement Division [SPEED] to identify some opportunities for additional classifications at staged cycling events.
The riders who are in last place in each of the four major classifications should also be recognised in some way. In the points and mountains classifications, this would be accomplished by awarding negative points to the last riders to reach the relevant time points. For example, in the mountains classification, the last rider to reach the summit of an hors catégorie mountain would get -25 points, the second last would get -20, and so on. Likewise, in the points classification, the worst time in a time trial stage would get -20 points, the second last -17, and so on.
It would also be interesting to see if the leaders in the mountains classification would also lead the points anticlassification, and vice versa.
Many of the classifications we are proposing herein would also have their respective anticlassifications, as discussed below.
Proposed colours: Black for the general anticlassification [currently known as the lantern rouge], dark green for the points anticlassification, red with white polka dots for the mountains anticlassification, grey for the young rider anticlassification
Most stages have rolling starts, meaning that the riders travel several kilometres before the stage officially starts. In the starting classification, points would be awarded to the riders who are at the front of the pack when the white flag is dropped. As with the other classifications, there would also be an anticlassification with negative points for the riders trailing at the start.
Proposed colours: White with black stripes, and grey with black stripes for the anticlassification
This classification is based on the Trofeo Fuga Cervelo awarded at the Giro d’Italia. Each rider in a group of ten or less that breaks away from the peloton earns a point for each kilometre they remain in that group. For the anticlassification, each rider in a group of ten or less that falls behind the peloton earns negative one point for each kilometre they remain in that group.
Proposed colours: Pink, and burgundy for the anticlassification
The rider with the best total time in the time trial stages is the leader of this classification. In this year’s Tour, of course, there was only one time trial stage, so this award would go to the stage 20 winner, Tony Martin.
Proposed colours: Orange, and brown for the anticlassification
The rider with the best total time in the cobblestone stages is the leader of this classification. In this year’s Tour, of course, there was only one cobblestone stage, so this award would go to the stage 5 winner, Lars Boom [which would totally be Edvard’s porno name].
Proposed colours: Tan with brown polka dots, and brown with tan polka dots for the anticlassification
The rider with the best total time amongst those who have not received any points, positive or negative, in any of the scored classifications is the leader of the pas de points classification, and the rider with the worst total time amongst the same group is the leader of the corresponding anticlassification. Expect the British to refer to this as the nul points classification.
Note that someone who earned one point in an intermediate sprint and negative one point at the end of the stage would not be eligible for this classification despite having zero total points.
As the Tour proceeds, the number of riders eligible for this classification will decrease as more participants earn points. And it will be fun to see whether riders will attempt to avoid scoring points in order to remain in contention for this classification.
Proposed colours: Blue with white stripes, and blue with black stripes for the anticlassification
Though the jury of the Tour de France rules on the most combative rider of each stage, there is not an overall combativeness award. After each stage, the jury should also decide which rider has been the most combative throughout the Tour to that point. That participant would then wear the combativeness jersey in the following stage.
Proposed colour: Red
As with the combativeness award, the jury would decide which rider has battled through the most hardship, both in that day’s stage and in the Tour as a whole. Riders who have fought through injury, illness, and mechanical problems would be eligible, as would those who have continued after being involved in crashes.
Proposed colour: Ice blue [for showing sang-froid]
This would be awarded to the participant whose total time is closest to the average for the entire field.
Proposed colour: Bright fuchsia [to draw attention to him]
Of course, we here at GoobNet enjoy rewarding silliness. Each day, the jury would decide which rider has been the most unexpected, both in that day’s stage and in the Tour as a whole. Unexpectedness could be for any number of reasons: anything from moving up or down many places in the general classification, to causing a wreck, to breaking away at an unusual time, to making a stop in a trailer parked by the road would make a rider eligible for this award.
Proposed colour: White with polka dots in all available colours
In each stage, the rider who has the most Tour de France experience but has never worn one of the above jerseys is awarded this one. If two or more eligible riders have competed in the same number of previous Tours, the one with the lowest total time in all of his career Tour stages to date gets to wear this jersey. At the next stage, of course, that rider would no longer be eligible, so it would be passed on to the next one in the tied group [unless that rider earned a jersey of his own in that stage].
Proposed colour: Yellow with green stripes, white and red polka dots
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