WEEKLY WHINE

Candidates talk about candidacy

According to the US Federal Election Commission, 1,247 individuals have filed a statement of candidacy for the 2016 presidential election, from Dat Phat A$$ to Sydneys Voluptuous Buttocks to Deez Nuts to Cranky Pants to Why Not Zoidburg.

Normally, of course, we here at the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network would spend 34 hours of every day covering the candidacy of Tarquin Fintimlinbin Bus Stop Poontang Poontang Ole Biscuit Barrel. But the party he represents, the Silly Party of America, is not actually the silliest party in the race.

For sheer silliness, one must turn to the Republican and Democratic Parties. These parties believe that American voters should elect either the wives of previous presidents or the brothers of previous presidents.

American voters, however, believe that they should elect either the person with the most corporate bankruptcy filings or the person with the fewest large donors.

So what do you need to know about the candidates? We will now present the graphical legends that are being shown on the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network when we discuss these candidates.

DONALD TRUMP
The man who says anything he damn well pleases

JEB BUSH
The man who retracts anything he damn well pleases

BERNIE SANDERS
The man who will raise any tax he damn well pleases

BEN CARSON
The man who ignores any fact he damn well pleases

BOBBY JINDAL
The man who blames anyone he damn well pleases

CARLY FIORINA
The woman who lays off anyone she damn well pleases

MARCO RUBIO
The man who skips any vote he damn well pleases

HILLARY CLINTON
The woman who stores her E-mails anywhere she damn well pleases