WEEKLY WHINE

Analogise responsibly

There now follows a ranking of the top candies to be used in analogies. Please be sure to consult this list the next time you want to make an analogy to some sort of candy. Remember, only you can prevent inappropriate analogies.

1. M&Ms: When in doubt, go with the M&Ms. They are especially suited when the other half of the analogy is money.
2. Reese’s Pieces: In a pinch, the Reese’s Pieces will do. In fact, when the other half of the analogy is related to space, you pretty much have to go with the Reese’s Pieces.
3. Pixy Stix: Nobody seems to be able to agree upon the correct singular for Pixy Stix. Until now. We here at GoobNet hereby declare that it is “Pixy Stik”. You’re welcome.
4. Everlasting Gobstoppers: Useful in specific circumstances. For instance: “Donald Trump is the Everlasting Gobstopper of political speech. Each new flavour completely contradicts the one before.”
5. Nerds: Nerds are particularly useful when the other half of the analogy is actual nerds. As with the candies, there are two types of nerds: the ones who like Futurama and the ones who are wasting their lives.
6. Mars: Mars bars are completely different depending upon the nation. But if your analogy is intended for a specific nation, go right ahead.
7. Twix: Twix-based analogies inevitably run into one problem: The “left side” and the “right side” of a given package are completely identical.
8. Skittles: When in doubt, avoid analogies based upon Skittles, especially when the other half of the analogy is humans. There is one colour of Skittles that is plainly inferior to the rest; you don’t want to look like you’re saying the same thing about humans, do you? Actually, if you’re comparing humans to candies in the first place, that may be exactly what you want to say. But you should stop that, because we have totally cracked your code.