WEEKLY WHINE

All sweeps all the time

The past week has been bad for organisms and other living things. But for everyone else, it has been fantastic. If you are an organism or would like to be an organism, we here at GoobNet recommend revising your decision.

To find out exactly why and how you should do this, please turn your attention to the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network. Here at the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network, we present programming that uses television live via satellite. This programming takes many forms: adverts, television programmes, television programmes that look like adverts, adverts that look like television programmes, and adverts that look like adverts but are actually adverts for adverts.

You might ask whether this is legal. If you do, we will reassure you that it is totally legal. You might then ask whether this should be legal. If you do, we will reassure you that if you so much as consider trying to make it illegal, we will lobby the shit out of your elected representatives so that they pass a bill that not only states explicitly that it is legal, but actually requires television networks to use television to present their live satellite programming that is actually adverts for adverts.

SEARCH FOR LIFE ON ENCELADUS
NASA taking applications for The Life Enceladan with Steve Zissou

GREAT BARRIER REEF BLEACHING PERIL
Unlike hair, bleaching makes reefs worse, and dyeing makes them still worse

BRAZILIAN STADIUM INVESTIGATION
Contracts allegedly awarded for stadium construction, with bonuses for not building enough bathrooms

UNITED BEATDOWN SCANDAL
CEO Oscar Munoz refuses to resign; board considering reaccommodating him in Economy Doubleplusungood

TRUMP TAX PROTESTS
Nation demands to see president’s tax returns, business interests, browser history

WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DEAD AT 117
Emma Morano witnessed turns of two centuries, two world wars, zero humans on Mars

DOCTOR WHO RETURNS
Everyone invited to discuss episode immediately outside Wen’s office

APRIL THE GIRAFFE GIVES BIRTH
We were totally going to watch, but, you know, playoff hockey