WEEKLY WHINE

The Magic Eight Ball is now obsolete

Last weekend at the Miss USA competition, Kára McCullough settled a longstanding debate by declaring that health care is a privilege that should only be granted to those who are employed by the system. Ordinarily, we here at GoobNet would not put stock in the declarations of a competitor in a beauty competition. However, she promptly won election as Miss USA, thereby becoming the spokesperson for all female humans in the United States and, since females represent a majority of American humans, the spokesperson for all humans in the United States.

Of course, this is not the only contentious issue facing the United States. We need Miss USA’s wisdom to settle the following matters:

• The US Declaration of Independence holds that the rights to “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” are unalienable and self evident. But now that we know that being alive is a privilege, are liberty and the pursuit of happiness still more important, or is the entire Declaration of Independence obsolete?
• A constant refrain in the health care debates is that the government should not have authority over who lives and who dies. Why, then, is it acceptable for private, unelected health care insurance firms that obey only the profit motive to have that authority instead?
• Blue and black, or white and gold?
• On the very same day as the Miss USA competition, Doctor Who portrayed the excesses of capitalism in an episode about a future company that charges its own employees for oxygen. Clearly, Doctor Who is nothing more than an attempt to indoctrinate our children with liberal claptrap. Should we ban BBC America, or should we simply let the free market take care of it by introducing television license fees in the United States?
• Betty or Veronica?
• Should we build a wall to keep foreigners out, or should we simply form state militias to patrol the borders and encourage them to shoot first and ask questions later?
• Is Avril Lavigne alive, or has she been replaced by lookalike and friend Melissa Vandella?
• Now that the privilegeness of health care has been decided, what should we do with the corpses of all those who cannot afford treatment for their illnesses and injuries? Should we pile them up in the quads of college campuses beneath banners reading “Get a Job, You Freeloading Hippies”, or should we simply build a giant clock so that we can literally make them the bodies on the gears of capitalism?