WEEKLY WHINE

The latest on the earliest

In the United States, the National Collegiate Athletics Association organises athletic competitions for collegiate students. It also hoards all the money from these competitions, exploits these athletes’ talents for no compensation, disrupts their educations by forcing them to travel across the country on school days, and imposes draconian punishments on any athletes who dare get a paying job.

Nonetheless, these sporting events are interesting. And the most interesting ones are the ones that don’t bring in money for the NCAA to hoard and exploit. But we at the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network are covering these events for you.

Here at the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network, we believe that when you use your television to view live satellite programming, the live programming you would like to see broadcast from satellites using your television includes such exciting things as runs, hits, errors, sculls, spikes, and stick checks. You will be able to see all of these items on the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network.

Note, however, that you will not be able to see them live, owing to a series of ridiculous and wholly unfair decisions by the NCAA to award the television rights for these events to entities that are not GoobNet. Although we will not be able to cover them live, we will discuss them at length in our studio show that features former players describing what the current players did and what they should have done.

D1 BASEBALL: TIC-TAC-TOE DURING LUBBOCK RAIN DELAY
Univ of Arizona, Univ of Delaware have obviously never heard of GoobNet Periodic Table Challenge

D1 SOFTBALL: FLORIDA, OKLAHOMA TO PLAY FOR TITLE
Will Gators devour OU like muskrats, or will Sooners outscore them later?

MINNESOTA STATE WIN D2 SOFTBALL TITLE
Runs may be unearned, but championship is not

VIRGINIA WESLEYAN WIN D3 SOFTBALL TITLE
Hanna Hull’s one hitter unforgettable for D3 fans, unknown for everyone else

ADELPHI WIN D2 WOMEN’S LACROSSE TITLE
Defeat Florida Southern to make strong statement that they are university, not cable company

GETTYSBURG WIN D3 WOMEN’S LACROSSE TITLE
Not for first time, College of New Jersey out-draw controlled in final

WESTERN WASHINGTON WIN D2 ROWING TITLE
Vikings impressed us so much, we’re skipping all our “cox” puns

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA WIN BEACH VOLLEYBALL TITLE
Trump congratulates winners: “You played great, even with sand going into your wherevers”