WEEKLY WHINE

The future, and why you should fear it

As you know, the future is approaching rapidly.

The future has been various things: female, Asian, African, technology, space, wearable technology, 3D glasses, 3D printers, Asian again, female again. As of this moment, the future is female, with time having expired on the male dominated maleocracy. That, of course, is subject to change at any moment depending upon whether The Handmaid’s Tale remains fictional or becomes factual.

So what can you do to prevent the future from arriving? You can hide in your fear bunker and only read news that coincides with your preprogrammed worldview, but that has repeatedly been proven to make the future arrive suddenly without notice when you least expect it.

Instead, you should go to Speaker’s Corner at Hyde Park and denounce the future loudly and repeatedly, accusing it of trying to hijack the present and take away all of the power you had in the past. If you do not live near Speaker’s Corner at Hyde Park and cannot afford to travel there, you may do the same thing on Twitter.

If, however, you are a human who has a reasonably developed sense of humanity, Twitter is not a place you would want to visit. Instead, you should tune to the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network, where we regularly discuss issues that matter to the world and its future. Issues that we regularly discuss include these issues, shown here with the text of the continuing coverage graphics that appear on the lower third of your television screen during the discussions of these issues on the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network.

US GOVERNMENT SHUTS DOWN
Trump to wait for agreement that Fox and Friends tells him that he likes

WOMEN MARCH WORLDWIDE
Message for men: When you do creepy shit, that shit is creepy

CHASTAIN, SNL ASK: WHAT EVEN MATTERS ANY MORE?
Luckily for SNL, jokes still matter; unluckily for GoobNet, jokes still matter

PATRIOTS WIN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP
Brady’s hand perfectly capable of throwing touchdown passes, extending middle finger

EAGLES WIN NFC CHAMPIONSHIP
Cleveland fans to sue Philadelphia over dog masks

EPPS REMOVED FROM ISS EXPEDITION 56
Something about ‘once space goes black, it never goes back’

MICHIGAN METEOR: METEORITES FOUND
Meteor to run for governor on platform of not being tuna head

GENERIC REPORT ABOUT TRUMP TWEET
Select type of tweet: personal attack on woman, absurd boast, easily disprovable claim, all of above