WEEKLY WHINE

The President testifies

The following is the transcript of President Bill Clinton's testimony before the grand jury in Kenneth Starr's "investigation". Although most tabloids would be willing to run a fake and pretend it was real, only GoobNet has gained access to the real thing, despite the fact that the President has not actually testified yet. It has not been edited or modified in any form.

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Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?

Clinton: [raises right hand, places left on Bible] I sure do. After all, that's what I've been doing throughout my presidency. [winks] Go ahead, Kenny. Ask me a hard one.

[Bailiff gets out of the way. Clinton sits at witness stand.]

Starr: Mr. President, do you know how hard it is for an independent counsel such as myself to run an investigation like this?

Clinton: Well, based on what you've accomplished so far, you seem to be working very hard. Is that why you need a cup of coffee from Starbucks every single day? [Judge starts to laugh] Seriously! Have you seen this guy? Every day he goes into the courthouse with a Styrofoam cup from Starbucks. Silly me, I thought his investigation was so expensive because he had to bribe all of his witnesses.

Starr: [to Judge, who is still laughing] Your Honor, do you actually find this humorous? I'm trying to conduct an investigation here.

Judge: Sure you are. What about that Secret Service agent who testified last week? I thought everyone knew that Secret Service agents are trained to ignore the conversations around them.

Clinton: See, that's what I've been saying all along. But does anyone listen to me? Of course not! Eeesh, break a few campaign promises and suddenly you can't even buy lunch without ID. Oh wait, that was Bob Dole. [Judge starts laughing again] You know, I was hoping for a real opponent in 1996. Like Rush Limbaugh. Me against Rush would have been the funniest thing ever.

Starr: [to Judge again] Objection, Your Honor. We are getting way off task here. See, this is why my investigation is taking so long. None of the witnesses take me seriously.

Judge: I wouldn't say that. Look at the Secret Service agent. He didn't start speaking Pig Latin until halfway through his testimony.

Starr: [incredulous] But that's exactly what I'm talking about!

Judge: Etgay otay ethay ointpay. [Clinton bursts out laughing]

Starr: Mr. President, this is serious business. I'm trying to find out if you committed perjury. Lying in a deposition is inexcusable. You could be impeached.

Clinton: And who's going to impeach me? Did you see the latest poll? My approval rating's at a million percent! As soon as the House even proposes an impeachment bill, there will be riots bigger than when the Rodney King verdict was announced! Oh, and you're one to talk. Check the same poll - they talked to 1000 people, and 999 say that your investigation is wasting your time and wasting their money. And the other one was your dog.

Starr: [confused] I don't have a dog, Mr. President.

Clinton: Sure you do. She's named Linda Tripp. [Judge laughs uncontrollably]

Starr: Your Honor, if we could be serious for just -

Judge: Stop being so formal. It's not like this is anything useful or anything. It's a lot like Conan O'Brien's show.

Starr: How, Your Honor?

Judge: Think about it: A tiny audience every day, guests that nobody knows or even gives a hurleymoolamoop about, a really lousy time slot. Plus you look kind of like Max Weinberg.

Clinton: Isn't he great? The Max Weinberg Seven is one of the best bands I've ever heard. Have you heard that one song they play sometimes, you know, "Walk right in, walk right out. Walk right in, walk right out."

Judge: Yeah, and I like the one that starts off sounding like the Jeopardy! theme and then starts to sound like the Bonanza theme. Do you know that one?

Clinton: I think so. [starts to sing] Baw daw daw, da-daw da daw, [Judge joins in] Baw daw daw da daww-awwaww! [They go back to laughing.]

Starr: Your Honor, I've got to tell you something that's been bugging me throughout the investigation. Your laugh reminds me so much of Will Smith.

Judge: See, that's the spirit! Just treat all the proceedings like you're getting paid to goof off.

Clinton: Isn't that what he's already doing? [Judge laughs] You know, I just can't wait to see him leak all of this to the media! [Judge laughs even louder]

Starr: [exasperated] Oh skroob. No further questions, Your Honor.

Judge: Well it's about time. You may step down, Mr. President.

Clinton: Hey, thanks for having me on the show, Kenny. And remember folks, on January 21, 2001, as soon as my last term expires, I'll be appearing at the Comedy Connection in DC, so don't miss it! [Steps down]