WEEKLY WHINE

Your move, Starr

As you may or may not know, we are currently creating a new Feature on GoobNet that will cover the investigation of President Clinton like never before. This new Feature will call upon more reporting resources than have ever been used on this site. It will be a web of complexity surpassed only by Ken Starr's investigation itself. Bill Clinton has had a very fun week, as you may have noticed.

First, he testified in front of the grand jury. Well not really, but he testified in front of a camera in the Map Room of the White House. This signal was then transferred to the federal courthouse via encrypted fiber optic. You may have noticed various news organizations depicting 3D renderings of the actual Map Room, showing the locations of the President, the camera, and attorneys from each side. Starr would ask silly questions, and Clinton would give silly answers. If necessary, the judge back at the courthouse would settle disputes, but according to all the leaks, this was not necessary. His testimony proved to be the end of his series of half-truths, distortions, adjustments, and the occasional outright lie. It might be almost the end, at least. His testimony was apparently more specific than his deposition in the Paula Jones case, the case that was thrown out because, according to the judge, "Mr Clinton may be crazy, but he's not crazy enough for such a massive schnozz".

After a good four-n-a-half hours of testimony or so, Clinton decided that he would in fact address the nation. To accomodate this development, ABC shifted its coverage of the American Bowl from Mexico City, in which the Patriots had a convincing lead over the Cowboys, to ESPN2 whilst it broadcasted the presidential address, as did all the other major networks, even the TV Food Network. Curiously, VH1, in an attempt to boost ratings, introduced a new concept: "Pop-Up Presidential Address". As Clinton told the nation, "While my testimony was legally accurate, I did not volunteer information", a pop-up bubble read: "...because it was rated NC-17". His statement, "I misled people, including even my wife", was accompanied by the bubble: "At current count, 133 people have turned out looking like idiots defending the President".

The next day, Bill, Hillary, and Chelsea all gave the press something to digest as they left for their long-planned trip to Martha's Vineyard. On their way to Marine One, they crossed the White House lawn hand-in-hand. Buddy joined them, but Socks was nowhere to be found. CNN and other 24-hour news networks had live coverage of the First Family's transit to Martha's Vineyard, proving that stalkers don't necessarily have to hide in the darkness; they can stand right on the tarmac in broad daylight.

On Thursday, Monica Lewinsky testified again, for two reasons: 1] comparison between hers and the President's statements, and 2] it's easier for Starr than constant trips to the "adult bookstore".

But this was overshadowed by a stunning revelation: That day, the US had struck back against terrorism. Simultaneous attacks on bases in Afghanistan and the Sudan were "moderately successful", focusing on a training site for terrorists and a "pharmaceutical plant" that intelligence said actually produced precursors to the nerve gas VX. A routine press conference on Martha's Vineyard was interrupted, and officials told reporters that Clinton would soon make a "national security announcement". Simultaneously, every network jumped to their news theme with an announcer saying, "This is a [insert network name here] Special Report". Whilst they awaited the President's arrival, they speculated on the topic of his announcement, and many were extremely close. He announced that the bombings had taken place and that it was too early to assess damage, and then informed the press that he would return to Washington to be briefed. Again, the various networks covered his trip live.

Finally, at 17:30 EDT, he made his second address to the nation of the week. Cartoon Network did not run either address, but about three hours after each, it ran an animated version. Again, VH1 featured the Pop-Up Presidential Address. Again, it was very helpful, depicting maps of the locations bombed and explanations of Osama bin Laden's strange appearance. President fans rated this speech much more betterer than Monday's, citing the lack of apologies on Monday accompanied by that weird attack on Ken Starr, which, despite echoing what most Americans seem to think, just didn't fit. By contrast, any address that fails to mention Starr gets a bonus.

The next day, he returned to Martha's Vineyard as folks continued discussing the timing, comparing the situation to last year's film Wag the Dog. As yet, no one has forgotten about the investigation, so if that was his goal, he must not have done it right. To make people forget about this, you'd have to attack Saddam Hussein again.