WEEKLY WHINE

¿Qué significa "BRNDGRL"?

So the other day I saw an automobile with the license plate BRNDGRL. Naturally, I did what any sane person would do in that situation - I thought to myself "What the hell does that mean?" I think I'm going to need your help to figure this one out, so we'll begin by examining some of my ideas.

Brand Girl? Perhaps the owner of that license plate likes brand recognition and purchases whatever she purchases solely because of the name it carries. She may have a complete and utter contempt for generic items, or she may prefer to trust nationally known sources. Her home might be filled with objects emblazoned with the name of a manufacturer, company, or brand. She may have been like this ever since college, when a perplexed roommate assigned her the nickname Brand Girl.

Branded Girl? There are some girls who like it rough. Perhaps one evening many weeks, months, or years ago, the person who owns this car made a decision [maybe aided by imbibing a bit of ethanol] to have a red hot iron bearing Lars's name pressed onto her left buttock. Lars might have been shocked and appalled by this when she came over that night. He might have played along when she brought home the leather suit with the chains, might have kept his sensibilities to himself when she brandished the whip, might have swallowed his tongue when she made him wear handcuffs on their fifth date, but the branding might have just been nuts to him. She could be roaming California right now looking for another guy named Lars who will be more open to a Branded Girl.

Browned Girl? Maybe, like one of George Costanza's girlfriends on Seinfeld, this automobile's driver is not satisfied with her natural complexion. Perhaps she makes frequent trips to the tanning salon to expose herself to ultraviolet light until her body is a distinct red-brown. She might bring along a Crayola "burnt sienna" crayon just to make sure she's got the right skin tone. She may have picked the habit up from one of her high school friends, and her friends might be calling her Browned Girl.

Brond Girl? If that car's owner is a dumb blond with a lisp, perhaps she identifies herself as Brond Girl.

Blond Russian Non-Disclosure Girl? Perhaps the girl who selected that license plate has made a careful study of the women who appeared in James Bond films over the past forty years or so, especially The Spy who Loved Me. She might have come to the US from the steppes of the Soviet Union shortly before it expired. She might have been overwhelmed by a new culture where nobody played her favourite sports or sang her favourite songs, where people drank her favourite drink but couldn't pronounce it [not even before they drank it]. She could have found solace in some of 007's many consorts - some looked like her, some sounded like her, but all lived unlike her. Hoping to change this last fact, she could have changed over to a wardrobe of black skintight outfits, except for the bikini with holster for beach trips. She might be a member of a Sexy Spy chat room with username brndgrl, short for Blond Russian Non-Disclosure Girl.

Well, what do you think? Is BRNDGRL a Brand Girl, a Branded Girl, a Browned Girl, a Brond Girl, or a Blond Russian Non-Disclosure Girl? Or is she something of which I haven't thought? Send your thoughts to goober@its.caltech.edu, and together we'll get to the bottom of this.