WEEKLY WHINE
When last we left our antihero, he had seen a plate reading BRNDGRL and was trying to identify its meaning. However, he hadn't got very far. As a result we now examine the explanations that you, our faithful readers, thought were the best fits to the data. But we got a little sidetracked. Here's what happened:
Last week, 8% of our 34,272,119,022 respondents said that the car in question belonged to a Brand Girl. Janet in Corona, CA was a typical respondent. "My license plate reads 2BV 1CM, but I still consider myself a Brand Girl. The only difference between me and the Brand Girl you describe is that I'm not so obvious about it. Only a couple of my really good friends have recognised this tendency of mine, but if they had, I'd probably have wanted a vanity plate advertising it." But not all felt the same way. Lorenzo in Tallahassee, FL said: "You should be ashamed of yourself! How can you suggest that there is such a foolish person as to ignore generic brands? You've obviously never tried the wonderful Walgreen's Ant and Roach Killer!" But Clint in Grand Rapids, MI responded: "Walgreen's Ant and Roach Killer? Walgreen's Town Killer, more like. You know, in a town near here, a can of Walgreen's Ant and Roach Killer exploded. That started a chain of events that destroyed the whole town utterly. Only guy who survived was scarred for life - he's now in politics."
Anyway, Ali from Helena, MT said: "You're going to think this is a sick joke or a crazy coincidence, but I branded my boyfriend Lars's name into my left buttock three years ago. I did it kind of lightly, so the skin only turned brown, just in case the relationship didn't work out. Well, it didn't. So I went to the tanning salon for a whole day. Stayed dawn to dusk. Sure enough, my whole body was the color of the brand when I was done. You couldn't even make out Lars's name any more. Then I got out and got drunk to celebrate. I woke up in California, in bed with a girl who said she only bought brand names. I don't have a car, so I rode back to Montana with her. The license plate read JANETLUV, because that was her name. Janet Love. I still have her number, I think."
The next day, Janet in Corona, CA sent us another message: "Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou- thankyouthankyou!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ali, this girl I'd had a one-night-stand with after she dumped her man three years ago, she called me! Just out of the blue! She said she'd been to a website that reminded her of me! She meant you guys! It was unbelieveable! I told her I'd seen the same site ... one thing led to another ... and we're going to quit our jobs and go to Las Vegas and be blackjack dealers and be really good and be really rich and be really fun and go to all the shows and go to all the clubs and everything! You guys at GoobNet are amazing!!!!!! Next time you come to Vegas, look for Janet and Ali - we owe each of you a blowjob!"
We wrote back, "Wait. You said your license plate was 2BV 1CM, but Ali said it was JANETLUV. Do you have a different car now?"
The day after that, Janet answered:
You will NEVER believe this!!!! Yesterday my doorbell rang and it was a girl, like twentyseven, short, and really really tan, like the Browned Girl you were talking about. She said, 'I'm looking for a Janet Love.' I was like, 'I'm a Janet Love.'
She was all dumbfounded. 'Is there another Janet Love? I'm Ali Liminisi, and I was going to meet a girl named Janet Love, but it's not you. She was white.' Then I was dumbfounded too. I said, 'You're Ali Liminisi? I was expecting a girl named Ali Liminisi, but not you. She was taller than me, like up to here.' The other Ali was more than a foot taller than this one.
Anyway, we eventually figured it out. That day three years ago, I met a girl called Ali Liminisi, call her Ali 1. We were in a bar in Montana, I was there on business, and she was completely sloshed. Completely ranting about how men are slugs. I was like, 'Girl, you don't know the half of it.'
We told guy stories for a while, and then she said something like, 'It just sucks that I need a guy if I want to feel really really good.' I said, 'You don't need a guy.' She was like, 'Yeah I do.' So I leaned over really close, whispered in her ear, 'You don't need guys.' And I licked her ear, just to make sure she got the message. I don't mind guys fucking me, but if I've got my choice between a man and a woman, I'll leave the gent on his own every time.
Anyway, I guessed right. She was drunk enough to say yes, so we got out of there and got into my car, and I just drove. I wanted to take her home, but I was falling asleep at the wheel - I just couldn't make it. Finally we stopped at a little place just across the Oregon-California border, got a room, and went at it. I was tearing her clothes off before we opened the door. It was insane! I've never been like that before, not with anyone!
She described their exploits in considerable detail, but later she got back on track:
I was afraid she'd wake up, realize what happened, and run away. So I left my business card in her purse, so that she'd try to find me if she knew my name. So she woke up, saw me, saw the room, and she was all like, 'What the hell happened?'
I didn't want to scare her, in case she was a homophobe when she's sober, so I just smiled and said, 'You were wonderful.' She was like, 'Did we...' I said yes, and she said she probably wasn't that great because she'd never been with another woman before.
I was like, 'So how did you know you need guys if you've never tried girls?' She didn't remember the bar either, though. Then she asked what time it was, and I told her, and she was like, 'Shit! I have to be back home! I've got to meet Mama in half an hour! Could you maybe take me home?'
I told her we'd never make it back in time, and she was all like, 'Why? Where are we?' I told her, and she was furious! She was yelling stuff like 'Why'd you have to take me here? Don't you have a place of your own?' I was like, 'You can meet your mother any time, can't you?' But she was in the family business, she said. Her mama was her boss. So I said I'd take her home, and she refused. She was like, 'No, you're not going that way anyway.' I was like, 'Of course I am. I was supposed to be in Billings today.' Which was a complete lie, of course, but if she had to miss work I wanted to make her think that I had too.
So we went back, and we talked about everything on the way. By the time we got back, I thought we were perfect for one another. We stopped in front of her store, and she started to get out. I grabbed her hand, she stopped, we kissed, we felt each other up. It was just like the night before.
So that was Ali 1. She never did call. But there was another Ali, Ali 2, who had a VERY similar experience with another Janet, Janet 2. Then you guys reminded Ali 2 of Janet 2, and she tried to call. But she got me instead, and neither of us noticed. It wasn't until she showed up that we realized that it was all fucked up.
But our stories matched! Perfectly! Of course, Ali 2 didn't remember what happened when she was drunk, but everything else was dead on! So finally we just figured that if there were two Alis, I'd be just as happy with one as with the other, seeing how similar they were. So we're moving to Las Vegas, and we still owe you! We love you!
This sort of thing doesn't happen often in this business, but when it does, it's something special.
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