WEEKLY WHINE

You can't make some people happy

Which flavour is the best? I like vanilla. But a lot of people are weird. They don't. They think it's too bland. You're wrong - vanilla is not a lack of flavour. It has a very definite flavour. Why do you think cookie recipes include vanilla extract? For their own enjoyment? No, it's to ensure that the cookie has a vanilla taste.

I don't like the phrase 'plain vanilla'. Vanilla is not plain. Sure, I see the need for a distinction between regular vanilla and, say, French vanilla. So call regular vanilla regular vanilla.

Some like chocolate. It has its merits, certainly. Those of you from, say, France or Switzerland may be keen of the chocolate there. Why is chocolate from some places better than that from others? What is the chemical composition of chocolate? You will win some chocolate if you find out. But not from GoobNet - we can't afford it.

Chocolate frequently teams up with vanilla and strawberry to create Neapolitan. In addition, most places that have chocolate and vanilla milkshakes also have strawberry ones as well. What's so special about strawberries? If you find out, go get yourself some strawberries. Assuming they're in season where you live. Strawberries are fun, useful, and have externally mounted seeds. Try it.

Cherries are useful flavours too. Especially when you put them in some sort of dessert, like a pi or a cheesecake or a something else. You can put them in various things or not. Why don't cherries keep to themselves very much? They must be a very sociable flavour.

Cherries, for example, are commonly dipped in chocolate. This is useful for making them taste like cherries dipped in chocolate, unless you subsequently dip them in something else. I've not actually come across a multiply dipped cherry, but you should alert us if you find such a thing.

I think that some new flavours ought to be invented. Not ice cream flavours. Although "chocolate chip cookie dough" was at one time new for ice cream, it was not a new flavour in its own right. It had been tasted previously. Consequently I contend that none of the "new" flavours are really new but are instead rehashes of previous flavours. So invent a totally new flavour.

The steps to do so are very simple. Mix some chemicals together and taste. [Warning: Don't use toxic or hazardous chemicals.] If it tastes good, write down the chemicals you used and modify the mix a bit to see if you can make a better taste. If it tastes bad, start all over again. You should probably write down the chemicals in that case as well, just to make sure you don't do the same thing twice.

Eventually you will discover a new and wonderful taste, at which point your job is to share it with the world. Get a patent, and then bring it to, say, Ben and Jerry's. They will be delighted to hear about your idea, I'm sure. If they aren't, maybe somebody else will. If not you can go into business individually and sell your flavour, or you can just do nothing and keep it to yourself. That's a mean way to go about it, but some people like to play that way.