WEEKLY WHINE

Protocol droid

The Internet currently contains several different protocols. There's File Transfer Protocol, Hypertext Transfer Protocol, Point to Point Protocol, Network Time Protocol, Post Office Protocol, Wireless Application Protocol, and of course, Internet Protocol. But does this cover everything? Certainly not. Here are a few other protocols that the Internet needs:

CP: Convergence Protocol. Ever notice how many people are trying to make things "converge"? Apparently handheld computers, wireless telephones, servers, and toasters are "converging" in the Internet of the Future, wherein you'll be able to watch the Food Network on your microwave. CP would help make this happen by providing a means for handheld computers, wireless telephones, servers, and toasters to communicate with one another. However, it won't do anything for NBA.com TV, which is supposedly the "convergence of television, basketball, and the Internet". For that you need:

APP: Air Pump Protocol. There's some new basketball that apparently has a pump built into it. But if this basketball is going to "converge" with television and the Internet, you're going to need to be able to plug that pump into the outside world, and APP is the way to do it. But APP isn't just for basketballs. The Association of Volleyball Professionals has recently experimented with Web-enabled volleyballs, which allow users to view live statistics from the ball: internal pressure, rebound velocity, and torsion are just a few of the properties you'll be able to follow when you keep track of matches.

VMMP: Vulcan Mind Meld Protocol. If you want to peek at somebody else's brain, you've got to be sure that it's using the same protocols that yours is. Early experiments showed that attempting to download unfamiliar protocols often causes short circuits and explosions in either or both brains. Hence, VMMP was developed. With the advent of VMMP, several content types had to be added, including emotion/emotistore and dream/adv. This last runs with Adobe DreamViewer, which can play back documents in Portable Dream Format.

TIP: Tent Interface Protocol. Last time I went camping, the tent was not compatible with the ground. It seems pretty obvious that you'd need a protocol like TIP to ensure that the tent and the ground are compatible, but nobody's come up with it yet. Like so many other good ideas, it's up to the public servants here at GoobNet to bring it to the world. Currently our TIP Working Group, led by portHOLE[tm] by GoobNet creator Deb Harratsch, is tackling this issue by spending two weeks in Yellowstone National Park doing nothing in particular.

PHDP: Pimp and Ho Data Protocol. Can you believe that there are still people who think that they can make Internet pornography go away? That's a laugh. Even so, it's often difficult for people to establish red-light websites. You need a lot of spare time or a lot of spare money. [Sometimes both.] PHDP would make this process easier by creating a new protocol with a special type of encryption. Pimp and Ho Encryption, PHE, cannot be viewed by members of the procensorship right but is openly accessible to randy people. It is the first encryption scheme of its kind, and as such, it requires extensive testing. Once again, your fearless GoobNet team is right at the front of this process. The PHE Working Group, led by Reginald J Goober himself, has spent the last four months in Las Vegas, NV performing field tests of PHDP, and they are currently looking for additional test subjects. The most successful tests have come in the past four weeks, involving Janet Love 1 and Ali Liminisi 2.