WEEKLY WHINE

Decision point

We know that many of you have been unsure about whether to make a big change in your life, what with all the shenanigans and goings on. Don't ask how we know this; we just do. Anyway, we'd like to offer our help. Don't believe Dionne Warwick and her psychotic friends, because we all know that astrology is wrong. Your life is not guided by where the Sun was when you were born; it is guided by the colour of your hair.

Remember: If you don't like your prediction, go get some dye.

BROWN
You will lead a long, successful life. Your armpits will only require occasional shaving. Your best investment is mutual funds, especially if you're unsure about how the market will behave in the future. You're interested in the fun things in life, but only if they don't take away from the useful work that you do. Your lucky number is the square root of two, and your ideal mate is someone whose shoe size is mutually prime with yours.

BLACK
Though you've recently become concerned about something important, fear not. Your body is more than up to the challenge. You take great pride in your ability to stand in one place for prolonged periods. Your mate, whilst generally happy with your sexual performance, thinks you have room to improve but is reluctant to tell you for fear of jeopardising your relationship. Now might not be the time for the big trip you've been considering - there are places closer to home where you're needed more. Someone you know well wants to be taken to a sporting event soon, so find out what little known things are happening in your area.

GREY
You led a long, successful life. But you worked so hard that your hair grayed prematurely. Next time you live, don't be so serious about it.

RED
You have many good friends, and some bad ones. You enjoy causing mischief, but your bad friends have otherwise failed to influence you. Your conspiracy theories are starting to irritate some people, however. But don't let that deter you; you're not that far from proving that aliens mistakenly killed JFK when they were trying to abduct Elvis. A career change is looming, especially if your spouse likes you to dress conservatively.

BLOND
You are having trouble understanding this sentence.

BLUE
You have a wonderful career ahead of you as a star of Japanese animation. Learning the language is not essential; your animator can draw you saying whatever you're supposed to be saying. You've already gone through the hardest part of your career, being created. You may undergo some slight changes in appearance when a different team takes over colouring duties, and your fans will want you returned to your original look. But strength against adversity is your strongest appeal, so don't let them tell you what to look like.

FLAME RED
You are a dynamic individual who changes the lives of everyone you encounter, even those you pass in the street or in hallways. Your family is nowhere near as supportive as you hope. Your father never helps you when you most need him; this is because he's hiding something big from you. You will find your true love soon. You'll know you've found him when you get a frantic call from him, saying that he needs you to get him a huge wad of cash quicker than is humanly possible, and when you find yourself dashing across town to come through for him. You will wear sneakers for some time after that.