WEEKLY WHINE

Sole survivor

We all know that your life is whatever you make of it. But most people fail to recognise that whatever you make of it is dependent upon the capricious whims of circumstances beyond your control. No, not the motions of planets. The notion of astrology has been debunked many times in the past; to do so again here would be beyond the scope of this piece. Even though it would be a lot of fun. Anyway, your life is not guided by where the Sun appeared to be when you were born; it is guided by the size of the shoes you wear.

Remember: If you don't like your prediction, go get a shoehorn.

MEN'S 1-7
You are going to encounter many interesting people next week. A few of them will wear silly hats. If you see someone with a silly hat and silly spectacles, you should do whatever he says because he is likely to be instrumental in your employer's decisions about you. Alternatively, if you don't have an employer, the guy with a silly hat and silly spectacles will be a nuisance, and you should avoid him. Your lucky day is yesterday, and your lucky munber is «2, 11 [2], 14, 15».

MEN'S 7.5-12
This week you will meet someone who grew up less than two hundred kilometres from where you did. The person will probably be either male or female. Either way, you will initially take to the person but become repulsed by at least one annoying habit that the person has. But you should stop concerning yourself with other people's habits. You, after all, have some that are even stupider. You should eat a cookie with lunch every day this week, to help you digest it.

MEN'S 12.5-19.5
About midway into this week, you will suddenly find yourself attracted to a female person. You'll soon be put into a position where you'll have to make an immensely important decision relating to her. If you decide incorrectly, you will fuck your entire life up. Unless you're homosexual, in which case none of this applies; you'll be alone all week.

MEN'S 20EEE
You will return from suspension the day after tomorrow against the Nuggets. You should control your anger better, or failing that, at least learn to throw a decent punch.

KIDS' 1-8
You are going to get much older when you grow up.

KIDS' 9-12
You are going to get much older when you grow up. And you have big feet, too.

WOMEN'S 1-5
You will fall over several times this week.

WOMEN'S 5.5-9
You will fall over only once or twice this week. A male person will suddenly find himself attracted to you. He'll soon be put into a position where he'll have to make an immensely important decision relating to you. You should consider some gesture that will help him decide correctly. For example, if you're homosexual [or just not interested], you should punch him in the jaw.

WOMEN'S 9.5-19
You will begin molting late in the week. Your tangerine hide, which you considered awfully garish, will be replaced by a sort of soothing turquoise. You will go a long way toward finally learning to control your wings, which often seem to misbehave at the most inopportune times. Since you will be in heat soon, you should get all erotic fantasies out of the way this week so that you won't feel the need at your most vulnerable times. We all know what happened last time one of your kind mated. However, if you're a human, most of this does not apply.