WEEKLY WHINE

Friends for life

As you are well aware, the 2002 Men's World Cup is due to kick off FRI 31 MAY 2002 in Seoul World Cup Stadium. What you may not know is that the 32 participating teams have got a busy schedule of exhibition matches [called "friendlies" in footballing parlance] in which they will prepare for this tournament. Another thing you may not know is what will happen at all those friendly matches. Fortunately, we do know. And we're even willing to share.

Saudi Arabia-Brazil: Riyadh, WED 06 FEB 2002
This match will get out to a slow start. Both teams will be underwhelming on both sides of the ball, and it will be goalless at halftime. Saudi coach Nasser Al-Johar and Brazilian coach Luiz Felipe Scolari will both be sacked during the interval. Confederacão Brasiliera de Futebol officials will start a hurried search for a replacement, settling on Nasser Al-Johar just before the second half starts. Meanwhile, in an equally fast paced hunt, the Saudi Arabian Football Federation will choose Luiz Felipe Scolari to coach them in the second half. They will both be sacked again after the match ends 0-0.

Hong Kong-China PR: Hong Kong, TUE 12 FEB 2002
Bora Milutinovic's Chinese side will try to buy new footballs in the special economic zone of Hong Kong. Milutinovic, who says the only language he can speak is that of football, will be unable to explain to his players that "free market" is not a place where you can get things gratis. He will be limited to three substitutes in the match - not by rules, but because he'll only be able to afford bail for three subs.

Slovenia-Honduras: Hong Kong, TUE 12 FEB 2002
In the other match of this Hong Kong doubleheader, World Cup debutantes Slovenia will meet almost qualifiers Honduras. Decades of debate will come to an end when Honduras coach Ramón Enrique Maradiaga will finally reveal that his team's nickname, los Catrachos, means "the Cat Rachos".

Paraguay-Bolivia: Asunción, TUE 12 FEB 2002
Paraguayan goalkeeper José Luís Chilavert will start at all eleven positions. He'll score on a first half free kick to take a 1-0 lead. Unfortunately, he will get into a fight with Bolivia's Julio César Baldivieso, and both will be shown the red card. Though Bolivia play the last thirty minutes with ten men to Paraguay's zero, they will only muster one goal in the dense air of Asunción.

Spain-Portugal: Barcelona, WED 13 FEB 2002
In this Iberian derby, la Furia Roja of Spain will score eight goals. Seven of them will be called back for offside, and the other one will be called back because Luís Enrique forgot to use the ball. This match will also feature a matchup of Real Madrid teammates Raúl of Spain and Luis Figo of Portugal. As is custom, they will exchange jerseys. The trouble is, they'll do it before the match, which will confuse the players and referee horribly.

United States-Honduras: Seattle, WA, SAT 02 MAR 2002
This will be the first football match in Safeco Field, normally home to baseball's Seattle Mariners. The last match between these teams, that thrilling 3-2 win for Honduras in DC in the final round of qualifiers, looks like a snoozefest next to this one. This match will end 12-11, with the US winning on a goal by Brian McBride off relief pitcher Milton Reyes. Maradiaga will not lose his confidence in Reyes, however, and the next day Reyes will make another relief appearance with Honduras leading the Yankees 2-1.

England-Italy: Leeds, WED 27 MAR 2002
Michael Owen of England will use the old Exploding Ball trick, which detonates as Christian Vieri's shot was about to get past David Seaman. But he'll be caught, and the referee will book him. As the fulltime whistle approaches, Owen will be caught sneezing without covering his mouth. That will be his second booking, and he'll be dismissed. Italy will then use the old Man Advantage trick to score the winning goal.

Ecuador-Bulgaria: New York City, NY, USA, WED 27 MAR 2002
This will be the first international friendly in New York since TUE 11 SEP 2001. The occasion will be marked in several ways, including appearances by guest players. Former mayor Rudy Giuliani will appear for Ecuador and will nearly score, his shot being saved by Bulgarian guest player Jon Stewart of The Daily Show. Stewart, though, will be sent off in the 78th minute for distracting penalty taker Agustín Delgado with a Moment of Zen.

Germany-Argentina: Stuttgart, WED 17 APR 2002
This rematch of the Italia 1990 final will look much different from that match. For one thing, it won't be boring. Argentina's claim to infamy in the 1990 World Cup final was that Pedro Monzon and Gustavo Dezotti were both sent off, the first time a team had received two red cards in a final match. They will make history of a different sort in this match, as Argentina will for the first time play an entire match with their shoelaces tied together. Most players' performance will be adversely affected, except goalkeeper Pablo Cavallero. Coach Marcelo Bielsa will consider tying Cavallero's hands together in the next match.

Portugal-Brazil: Lisbon, WED 17 APR 2002
This meeting of Portugophonic nations will involve lots of Çs, Õs, ÃOs, and INHOs. Brazil's Cafú will decide that he's sick of the single-name thing that's been going in Brazilian football for years. Linguists the world over applaud his decision, until he tells them his new name. Cafú will decide that he wants to have zero names. He will insist that everyone call him "", which will irritate the hell out of coach Scolari. Scolari, by the way, will be sacked after this match, giving him 8½ sacks on the year. Fans of that other football will start to worry that Michael Strahan's record could be threatened.

Korea Rep-China PR: Incheon, SAT 27 APR 2002
FIFA made sure that China PR would be drawn into one of the four Korean groups, because Korea Rep officials really wanted their pseudoneighbours to play within their borders. Coach Milutinovic, popularly known as Milu in China, will vow to dye his hair the colour of China's uniforms if they advance past the first round. In this match, China PR will finally choose a team nickname. Milu's team will henceforth be known as "Milu's Team". Milu will try to explain to his players that a nickname should be more interesting than "Milu's Team", but because of that language barrier he's got, they'll think he was telling them not to wear socks in the second half. A reporter will ask Milu, "Do you mean their red uniforms or their white uniforms?" He will answer, "What?"

Rep Ireland-Nigeria: Dublin, THU 16 MAY 2002
This matchup of green teams will be lots of fun for all. Irish goalkeeper Shay Given will face off against a young goalkeeping prospect from Nigeria, Nelson Prove. Nigeria's Sunday Oliseh will answer the oft asked question, "What the hell kind of name is Sunday, anyway?". Nigeria will complete preparation for their first round Group of Death by visiting a mortuary.

And once all that exciting action is out of the way, it will be time for the Men's World Cup! We could tell you what will happen at the World Cup, of course. But then we'd have to put you in the Group of Death.