WEEKLY WHINE

G'gam, g'gam, g'gam, g'gam, g'gam...

Fresh from the FIFA House this week, aside from a name change to the FIFA Hizouse, is the news that at all future FIFA events, including the Men's and Women's World Cups and youth tournaments, the footballers are to shake hands after the final whistle. With one another, not with themselves.

Even so, many are likely to see this as another occasion on which FIFA overrun the personal freedoms of players, dictating not only players' behaviour [they already have to shake hands before the match], but uniform font colours, photographer locations, scoreboard displays, coach locations, bench populations, and even player names. [See "Interaction: Men's World Cup Referees" for more on this.]

Nonetheless, having players shake hands postmatch is still a pretty good concept. It works at the Stanley Cup finals, anyway. In fact, it made us assign our very own GoobNet Special Projects Enhancement and Enforcement Division [SPEED] to think about other situations in which mandatory handshaking would benefit humanity. Here now are the recommendations.

TRIALS

After every court case, the attorneys for each side, the judge, jury members, bailiff, witnesses, stenographer, and defendant should all get in a big line and shake hands with one another. Of course, this procedure needs some special circumstances to make sure it functions properly. For example, if the defendant is convicted, all other parties could line up just outside the prison to shake hands with the defendant as he or she is on his or her way to incarceration. In addition, provisions should be made to supply paper bags for the witnesses' heads if they are on their way to the Witness Protection Programme immediately after the trial completes.

INTERVIEWS

Know why the world is in such a mess? It's probably because reporters are impolite. But if they had to shake hands with the subjects of their interviews, this problem could go away. For example, in Bowling for Columbine, Michael Moore interviewed Charlton Heston. But since they failed to shake hands at the end, that interview is still technically in progress, which means that Michael is still able to go up to Heston's house and say, "Hey Chuck, tell me more about Flint...."

DRIVING

The great majority of automobile drivers are inconsiderate, impatient, impolite, and inept. And stupid too: have you noticed how much they're paying for fuel? Anyway, wouldn't it be terrific if you got to shake hands with all of your neighbours when you're in a traffic jam? Who knows, the guy in the green SUV who had deigns on cutting you off may well become a friend for life. Until, of course, you rear end him as you're trying to invite him to your daughter's softball match on Tuesday.

WARS

Deep in the trenches of World War I, a brief ceasefire took place on FRI 25 DEC 1915, and British soldiers played an impromptu football match with German soldiers near Laventie, France. Although we have no idea whether they shook hands before or after the match, they had the right spirit, which suggests that handshakes would be a good way to begin and end wars. Wouldn't you like to see George W Bush shake hands with Saddam Hussein the day before the air strikes begin?

After all, FIFA's reasoning in the handshaking rule was that "despite all of the emotions of a football match, it remains a game to be played in accordance with the Laws of the Game - and one that should not be dwelled upon once the players have left the pitch". Similarly, despite all the emotions of a war, it remains a game to be fought in accordance with the Geneva Conventions - and one that should not be dwelled upon once the survivors have left the battlefield.